I don’t know where, or how to start writing this. I have neglect this online journal way too long. My life has been going on like a haphazard dream these past few months. There is this global virus outbreak called the COVID 19 pandemic and I have been forced to stay home for almost four months now. You know how much I hate home, right? So, yeah you can imagine how bad the situation is. I am irritated by everything my family does and says. I am just tired.
Being an adult is just tiring and hard. You have to take control of yourself all the time and be responsible of anything you do. When you miss a little bit and lose control, something will always find a way to be wrong. To be honest, right now I feel like I am being in a pitch dark room. I can’t see the future. Neither the future of the world nor my own future. I feel so done. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t know what will happen to all human kinds if we cannot manage to overcome this virus outbreak in one year. It’s been ruining our economy so bad so far I don’t want to see what’s coming next. 2020 was actually full of plans and ambitions. I want to go to Kupang to volunteer this August, but it is cancelled due to this pandemic. I also long to join student exchange to some random foreign countries, some of my friends actually have enrolled and being accepted to the overseas universities, but again, everything is cancelled. Many of my friends also cannot do their internship too. My seniors who graduate this year also have to do the ceremony online. My point is, life sucks for everyone.
I agree with Ver. I want to be a six years old who is eating her breakfast while watching cartoons and has nothing to worry about. Okay, I am actually so confused I don’t know what I want. I mean I sure want to die at my 30s so that I can avoid the pain of growing old and having children (which means more obligations, responsibilities, and the total absence of holiday till the rest of my life.), but on the other hand, I am also afraid with the possibility that I will die before I can do anything that can make my life meaningful. I don’t want to be just like morning dew that evaporates and disappears from the surface of the earth before anyone even ever notices its existence. I want to be like the stars which burns so bright and blinding before it dies.
But, yeah, I have to be responsible of anything I do in the end. Complaining and avoiding it can’t help solving any of my problems. It is just tiring. You know that feeling when you think you have tried your best to do everything, but there are always several things that slipped out of your mind and you ended up having to face it like an adult and endure all the bad consequences like it or not like it. I haven’t work full time yet, but I am already in my final year of uni and I do have part time job, freelances, and internships and I definitely already know how hard it is to stay alive, sane, and carefree among all these. I know adulthood is coming and I cannot escape it any longer I have to prepare myself for everything. Heck, I think I even have to take a tax course already this semester, or maybe next *sigh*.
Anyway, I am still thankful that there is always still some beauty and enjoyment left inside even the darkest period of life. I can access netflix now and I am hooked by Money Heist. I also love Sex Ed so much it’s my comfort series. And I also watch this Korean series for the first time in forever–Hospital Playlist. All the songs are so great I am currently listing to the OST while typing this. All characters in the story are also so mature and wise. I feel both comforted and sad looking at their boring life because I realize that that may become my life too in the future. Okay, I think I have written enough blabbering today. See you when I see you!
The Geeky Girl 