Elusive

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Here it comes again.It’s that time of the year again when the sun finally decided to show its face and I am stuck inside revising for exams.I’m getting kind of despondent about the whole ‘exams,home works,and tasks’thing.I admit that partly this was actually my fault.Too much procrastination,too much ‘no way it’s all good’ because it helps me to keep a safe distance from all that stressful stuff.And as a repercussion of that the works piled up on last minutes and then the stress will get real.
Tomorrow I should prepare for my HSK and revising bio and math and everything and I don’t even know what to say.I feel like I want to break free.I want to explode and scream loudly,jumping and crying and laughing at the same time.I’m terrified of not being successful.What matters a lot for me is that I want to do volunteer work,live my life to the fullest,and being happy but in the same time I also want to gain great financial income and experience luxury life.I don’t know what I really want.I want to live by the sea but also in the deep woods,also in a big city but also in the countryside,you feel me.

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That is a quote by my favorite philosopher,Sylvia Plath.And that is certainly what haunts me all day all night 24/7.I’m afraid that I will be a well educated,bright,and promising bachelor with good grades but then being nothing but a middle aged woman with ordinary habits,reputation,being useless and the faded,forgotten by the world.I want to be that girl who change the world.Experience taught me not to expect too high but then I live in dreams,I believe in them,and I just want to make them happen.That’s all.I don’t want to be an ordinary girl.Even since I was very little I have always want to be an ‘extraordinary’.I dare to be different and I’m proud to be different.I’m proud with my peculiar habits,I’m proud being that Sunday Afternoon girl instead of one of those Saturday Night sparkly women.Shortly I just want to be elusive.

Talk about things I currently desperately want to do,I had just making a list for that and it is getting longer and even more longer when I think about it
1.Reading The Silkworm
2.Reading Cinder (I just knew that it is a sci-fi)
3.Watching Miracle in Cell Number 7,The Longest Ride,and TV shows esp Doctor Who and The Big bang Theory and Gossip Girls
4.Eating chocolate bars with candy bits
5.writing stories again(I have been hiatus from my writing life for a really long time I don’t even believe it)
6.Reading Sing You Home
7.Having an ability to love without being loved
But success will become even more elusive for me if I try to be elusive so maybe I should accept the reality and walk straight with faith toward every binding roads?Maybe I should try.Not try to change myself.But try to be more simple.To be more thankful.To prefer rustic homey-ed than sophisticated,to appreciate light chatters just as I appreciate deep conversations.To be more blissful.To be more alive.And this is why I’m elusive.

PS: I noticed this blog traffic is getting heavier and I am surprised.I don’t know if people enjoy my writings or not because I basically just write whatever I want to write without consideration ,I know I sounded really demented and queer here but please I hope you understand.Your sincere geeky girl still love the same.<3

Clarity

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“I dwell in possibility,”-Emily Dickinson

If Edison was successful inventing light bulb after 999 failures before so I must have been successful of being a cheerful girl after my 999 failing attempts before.

We all dwell in possibility for accomplishing impossibilities.

Ahaha okay so I consider this blog already seems like an online note of a suicidal kid and well I decide to post something cheerier here.

The word ‘possibility’ has a great impact in my life.In fact next week I will have math test about permutation and combination and it is all about calculating possibilities.Next Saturday I will have bio and the material is genetic inheritance and you should believe me that genetics is actually just about calculating possibility of phenotype from some given number of offspring produced by parental.This Saturday I should take my chinese test and I have possibility to pass yet not to pass.

But then,without clarity,can we see those possibilities and opportunities lie in front of our eyes?If our mind is hazy and foggy,full of stress and sadness,can we keep sane and still conscious that we are dwelling in possibilities?You see that picture above.Imagine it.If we were actually living underwater with the bubbles as the stars,would we conscious of this or would we stay busy with our problems and never pay any attentions to it until somehow a person being slumped from the sky?
Maybe we need to clear up our mind and get our wits back.We were too busy with our catatonic life and forget about the real meaning of it-being alive.
I tried hard to clear my mind during these 3 days mid semester break.I tried to do my old hobbies,repeating those old cozy things to do,things I never done these past 3 years.I drew cactus,bikinis,ice creams,cupcakes,flowers,and everything crossed my mind.I slept in my thick blanket although the weather has been so humid and hot this week,sipping hot chocolate,jog around my neighborhood while daydreaming and thinking about so many things till I hit the sidewalks and ripped my skin.I studied about Efferent System just now,just before I decide to stop to start editing that new header above.It was just a quick edit but I enjoyed it surprisingly.More than that for my own surprise I enjoyed reading that chapter about Efferent System and I think I have just found my passion back.Sometimes we really need to release to gain something.The moment we let go,they will come back and chase us.

I let go my clarity

and

I found my clarity back.

PS: I hate it when my family or friends try to sneak out my blog and read all the posts,in fact I feel better if people who don’t know me read my writings (even the depressing one) because well you know it just feel like somebody is reading a novel about you being stressed out of life
PPS: I write myself an email everyday like a diary and I hate it when my father automatically log in it in our computer because I forgot to log out the last time I used it.

I hope all of you have a good day.

The Errors in Our Lives

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I have promised not to mention the word ‘stress’ again so I changed it to ‘errors’ ugh.First I should make it straight that this is not a book title by Divakaruni,it is ‘The Unknown Errors of Our Lives.Actually I was thinking of naming this post as ‘The Fault in Our Lives’ but it sounds so cliche so here we are.The Errors in Our Lives.Really pathetic.I don’t know why but these past years I always examine how life goes on,either me or others,all of us,has those certain things that go out of order,slip away from paths we have planned.We call those certain things as errors.And those errors built insecurity,give stress,drain our energy,and also steal our happiness to a far far away country beyond the imagination.

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None of us has it easy,remember that.Life is simple,but not it’s just not easy.Life is a challenge for everyone but what actually matters is that do we take this challenge as an opportunity to win or an obstacle to gain happiness?I have just had a field trip with a somewhat religious session in it,and during the session,one of my religion teacher asked us “Is there any higher goals in your life but to achieve happiness?”I was so drowsy that time but this question has startled me,it just stroke me like a heart attack in the middle of depression and boredom.I only wonder why life is so unfair or why it is so difficult just to be happy.Things always stressed me out and I don’t know why.I just want to be happy and alive.
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I’m not clinically depressed but I know about this.I know that when you are having enough with life,the only thing you want is death.I read that note written by a suicidal child in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.The kid in that poem wrote ‘Absolutely Nothing’ for his last poem before he died.And he wrote nothing in it and I know why,because there was nothing he wanted or felt.It just nothing.It just the emptiness.No ache,no laughter,no butterflies anymore inside your stomach,no stars in the gleam of your eyes.There is just a deep black hole of emptiness and nothing-ness.

Some of us maybe wonder why it should be our parents who divorced
Why it should be us who failed on maths
Why it should be us who argued with our siblings
Why it should be us who have to finish IB
Why we should be alive
Why we should be born on earth and not on Mars or Jupiter

In fact we always wonder about everything,about the errors in our lives.I tell you,we will always find errors in our lives as long as we are still alive cos it just what life is about.Surviving.I try to see the bright sides of everything and being full of positive energy everyday.Believe me.It is harder than flying to the moon without rocket.It’s still possible but so hard to do.I try to think that I’m lucky enough to have an opportunity to study about polygenic inheritance and DNA restriction map but i keep on wondering;’Is this really my pathway?’Did I take the wrong turns again?(for your information I have taken thousands of it before)The answer is…I don’t know.And I will never know.Cause I myself,is the one and the only answer.
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For those who are currently battling with one of those errors in your life,I don’t know whether it is a fatal disease,a divorce,self-centered problems,a fight with your parents or girlfriend/boyfriend,bullying,school stuffs,or maybe a combination of them.I hope you will survive.We have survived a lot and we will survive whatever is coming.

Sparkling Surabaya

I don’t know what is wrong with me these days.I’m being moody and easily get annoyed.I feel like everything is wrong,everything is out of order and I can do nothing to fix it.My dreams are all hazy and lunatic.I don’t have any passions to do anything even sleeping and if you live with me then you will know that this is a real problem cos I usually sleep like a hibernating fetus polar bear.I don’t want you to think me as a negative person,but,well the stress is real I’m not even kidding.Last week I went to a field trip out of town and I was really exhausted to be honest but still on Friday,just after we got home the day before,we had to have our math and it was advance trigonometry *yey life is cool*.And tomorrow I still have a week full of mid-tests await ayee.Okay,this is getting so depressing and I have already sounded soppy.

During this most depressing peak of my life,I browsed my laptop and found out this old video I have promised to post before.We made it for a competition held by a local university and we got first place.I had a quite good time during the shoot and I consider that moment as one of those rare beautiful memories stored in my cortex that I decided to share it here.We were required to make a 3 minutes length video about our beloved city Surabaya and thanks more to luck rather than skill,we finished it on time and the result is far better than as expected so just enjoy!I’m tired of talking and my body demands sleep seriously,I better try.Bye.