Rocking Chair

*You have to read the whole post to understand the post title lol
I promise,like my other posts this one is also a pointless one,I write it just to release my anxiety,have told you like a broken record before:this blog keeps me sane

I want to have the purpose of my life back.I want to feel love again.I don’t know what to say more about my life.Day by day passed.I have tried cleaning my room,sort out my life,but yeah that’s all.I still can’t calm my nerve down.Anxiety creeps around,whispering things that keep you awake at nights ugh.My biggest problem now is figuring out what is my life purpose and how can I achieve it.I read a post from Kat’s blog weeks ago that says I should just follow my passion because it will lead me to my purpose.I am pretty sure what my passion is or what I actually want to do.What is hard here now is I cant ignore others’ talks behind my back,those secretive eye rolls they think I dont see but of course I do whenever I tell them about my future plan.I know that I don’t pick an ordinary way like the others,I have freak dreams and plan,I don’t follow society rules about how should I live my OWN life.Sometimes you know,when I feel highly motivated like today I can feel secure,I know that everything will be okay,everything will.Thing is,most of the time,I spend my whole day wondering how if this won’t work out,how if I fail,how if they are right?

I don’t know how to response to my own negativity.That saying is right : Anxiety is like a rocking chair,it gives you something to do,but it doesn’t move you anywhere.Last night a had a deep talk chat with one of my friends.It is so relieving to be honest,to finally have someone to share your mind with,to have someone who understands.It is even more relieving to know that I am not the only one who is worried with what will happen,what will I do in the future.I think everybody is highly anxious now.We were told once that adulthood is something amazing.It is where all your dreams come true,where you can be anything you want to.Growing up,for me,is the process of figuring out what door hasn’t been slammed in front of me.All of us finally know that we can’t be pretty or smart or genius or rich just because we want it.I feel the need to stress this more you can’t be anything but yourself it is what you actually ever truly have in your life.Friends leave,family members hurt each other,parents divorce,acquaintances forget your name a month after you meet them although they have your name everywhere in their social media screen.You can’t ask people to love you,you can’t ask them to stay just because you want them to stay.

I watched this movie-Fast and Furious 8 a week ago with Gaby and Momo.There is one line spoken by Cipher that caught my attention.She said something about the theory of choice.There are 2 rules in this theory:
1.The only human behavior you can change is your OWN behavior
2.All we can do to others is just giving them information.
I think this is freaking true.Companies can make advertisements contain information to persuade you buying this product,but it is up to you to buy it or not,it’s your choice.They can’t interfere with it.This,reminds me of people too.You can give them information about yourself,but it is up to them whether they want to be your friend or not,whether they want to date you or just playing with your feelings,it is up to them.It is also up to you whether you want to be played or not,to be kind or not to them.Human beings have that freedom to choose how they will react,how they will live their life.It is society demands and labels that make all of this complicated.Last night in that chat I have mentioned before we discussed about labels in our society,about the role of women and men that somehow feels unfair for both sides.Now,even writing this makes me confused,I refused to be confused again so bye!Perhaps I will continue on the other post.Hey,I didn’t promise,I said perhaps.Haha.See you peeps!

Meh

Kill me now!It’s all over.I finished exams last Thursday and for these past 3 days,what have I done?Absolutely Nothing,Yay!I’m tired and empty,I’m a disorganize person you all know that.I actually want to start sorting my life and clean my room,start a healthier habit,etc but I found myself so tired I feel like my body is breaking apart so does my soul.I had an online personality quiz a few days ago and I was quite satisfied with the result because it suits me so well.I will give you the detailed information next time because now I’m just not in the mood of doing anything productive.I will go back to sleep as soon as I finished this article Oh please this is not even a paragraph!Bye!!

PS:reading my personality test results give me a relief,it feels like somebody out there finally gets how it feels,somebody out there understands me,and knowing that you are ‘normal’ for doing all the weird things you usually do because that’s people with that kind of personality usually do.

April Fools

“Hey, are you alright?”
“Nope”
“why?”
“Haha,I wish I knew why.”

Have been repeating this imaginary conversation over and over again these last 72 hours.
I don’t know what is wrong with me.Something inside me terrifies me,I’m scared but I don’t know why,is this normal?I wish I had a little bit more normal mood swing than the one I have.Life like this is a tiring life.A week or two,I can be a happy person living her happy life,planing her happy future,then the next day she turns into a frustated,depressed,terrified person living her gloomy life and trying hard to figure out what should she do with it.Tell me ,please,is this even normal?

Education in my country feels wrong.After almost 12 years of education,I still don’t know how taxes or mortgages work,but I do know about the cells inside a freaking succulent leaf!I’m pretty sure about how DNA is being replicated in my nuclei,or how to calculate the exact time before a car hit a tree 34,223 meters in front of it,but still I don’t know how to manage my own money until I accidentally ran into a youtube video that recommends mints.com for it.The most important thing is that,after experiencing this myself,witnessing with my own eyes,I see these weird phenomenons happening in our life-students who just graduated from high school go to college to study a major while they barely even know what it is about.They just have an interest in it,or maybe their parents tell them to take it as their major because graduates from that major are likely to have a proper jobs aka well paid jobs.Some of my friends even don’t know what their passion actually is so they just follow whatever they are told to.The root of this problem,I think,is the lack of information and time for us to think about our future.I’m agree with an article I once read online which says that we should have a year break after we graduated from high school.To do volunteer works,having freelance jobs,and figure out what we actually want to do in our life.We are too busy with school workloads,exams,and tests until the end of the semester and then in August college has already started.This life,to be completely honest,is not a life.

Although this week has been so hard (mostly because of this sob mood) there is still things to cheer about:
1)School ends at 12 PM everyday
2)The amount of workloads and exams is finally reduced
3)I can have more ‘me time’ and breath regularly

And then it turned out that I’m not the only one having a hard time this week:

she has a hard time to adapt with her new school 加 油 !

well i’m sure this is just a phase,you will laugh at this soon

Today is April Fools and some of my friends are having their birthday.I wonder how it feels to have your birthday on April Fools,I mean it seems like your being here now is a kind of joke,isn’t it?No hard feelings please,I’m just wondering.

I had a good laugh smiled a lot just now,after I scrolled through my instagram feeds and found this

Wtheck this is so well said,he nailed it.”How To Live According To His Plan” loll I really cant stop giggling.Happy birthday to this one who always obey the rules no matter what.Cheers!

I dont know what else to say so maybe you can spend your time reading this worth-reading article,but I’m sorry it is in Bahasa,no English version.

EDUCATION IN OUR COUNTRY CLICK IN THIS SENTENCE TO READ MORE

See you soon!