Clear Mind

Idk this pic  soothes me

idk this pic soothes me

This is a school night and this is not a good day.
I’m still here waiting for an email from my friend for me to convert into Pdf.And I so don’t do my math.Uhm,I just scrolled through Evita Nuh’s blog and enjoooy the song very much.I don’t know the title tho.She is a damn smart girl I admit it.I always love her writing like Kat’s.

I have tried so much to control myself.Control my anger,my emotion,my mind,and everything.I try hard to be mindful.To be completely aware of what happened and why my emotion reacts like that in response,why my mood swing changes like a bipolar pendulum 24/7.But today,I lost my control.I became really angry to a friend only because we didn’t agree about what we will draw for art project (we are team).And what I hate the most is why I have this tendency to cry when I angry.This is not good.I don’t like it.So I literary just scrolled my phone aimlessly and read ebooks without any concentration until that urge to burst into tears vanished.

Evita wrote in her blog that you have to love yourself first and then the others will automatically love you.But how if my problem is self hatred?At one point I think I have got over it but then one day I still found myself crying on the bathroom floor why I am not good enough.There are so many things going in and out of my mind right now and I feel like if I don’t do something my head is going to explode in any minutes.

So here I am.Clearing my mind.

PS: I still hate it when people I know in real life are reading this,so if you are one of them,just close the tabs delete the history,one post if enough I don’t want you to know more.


A Matter Of Perception


I don’t know what to do.Or what more to say.Or how to act.Or even how to think.

This is how much I have screwed up in my life,in my head.I do think that our society is on the way to be homogenous.You know,you go get a degree,you go have a proper aka well paid job,you go married,you go have kids,then you die.No variation.I have talked to a friend of mine about this but she didn’t understand what I mean * sigh.I don’t know to whom I should talk,besides to myself here in my very own private blog.

I realized these days,after I go to a funeral,that I actually don’t want to die.I mean,not now or next year.I want to be ready first.Ready for what?I don’t know.Death for me now isn’t relieving it’s terrifying but so do life.I don’t find any pleasures in both tho.I realized that what I really want is just to turn back time into emptiness,for me not happening from the first place.I don’t know if this is wrong or right.I don’t even know what is wrong or right anymore.The border between them seems to be more blurry everyday.What is right and what is wrong is totally depends on the way you see it.It’s just a matter of perception and maybe our whole world is also a big lie,an illusion created by our brain and receptors.

Don’t say I’m crazy.I’m just saying what I need to say when nobody wants to hear.
PS: I’m watching pretty little liars and well do you know my opinion?I think A is not a single person.Anybody who at the moment feel doesn’t like a particular member of them can terror them ,using ‘A’ as their identity.I even also think about backstabbing ,I mean some of the messages could be from their own friend like Aria got messages from Hanna or vice versa.Oh and I love Aria’s style and make up and clothing.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

gone girl


Published by Weidenfeld and Nicolson in 2014
Genre : Fiction,Thriller
Pages :466
Source:periplus bookstore

Who are you?What have we done to each other?

Nick Dunne beautiful wife,Amy suddenly disappears in their fifth wedding anniversary.Nick is suspected by the polices while Amy in her runaway trying to hide and wonder about her and Nicks feelings to each other.When finally Amy decides to return back to his suspected husband and save him from the death row,Nick is thrilled to actually kill her for what she has done to him-framing him.

nah that creepy face

nah that creepy face


Divided into three parts (part one boy loses girl,part two boy meets girl,part three by gets girl back or vice versa),this book tells a story about Nick Dunne and his lost wife Amy Elliott Dunne.The POV changes from Nick to Amy from the beginning till the end.The plot twist is wonderful if only I didn’t read the spoilers before I started this book.The part one is written perfectly for readers to believe that Amy is the protagonist here and forced us to REALLY HATE Nick Dunne the possibly killer cheating husband.
The second part made me truly HATE Amy Elliot Dunne.I hate the second part the most (because of Amy) but also it’s the climax of the story,it’s the mid-story twist which everybody in internet says so shocking.The third part as well still not making me love Amy.The third part is the anti climax.It tells the end of the story,how Amy and Nick’s life is after Amy’s return.From the very beginning to the end,this book sums up the story about this post-modern broken marriage life,the conflicts and all other crazy stuffs packed inside.


when she told Nick the truth..

when she told Nick the truth..

I love Amy at the first place.But then I want to HATE her very much but I can’t really.An alpha girl who has a mental retardation.The creepy Psycho woman who frames her own husband to a death row and planning her own death for the sake of self discipline.Yeah I do think that Amy is crazy seriously.She is just that girl who broke her own doll and then tell the parents that her little sister did it so that she will be punished and herself being the good good girl.I do really hate this kind of person.No matter how pretty or how brilliant she is,I still hate her!I mean ,who the hell will break her own ribs to blame her own best friend?Or who the hell will frame her husband for murdering herself because he has a mistress?Well God,I know Nick is a cheater who doesn’t respect his wife but still only a psycho frames her very own husband for her very own death.And that’s not all,she killed a man who helped her during her hard time just to save herself from the consequences of her former acts!She is crazy omg.She is brilliant,careful,witty,and abnormal.A perfect criminal.
But also,I should be honest here : Amy Elliott Dunne is actually the soul of this novel.She is the main idea of the whole story.A unique character who makes the story turns out so thrilling,so awesome.Gone Girl wouldn’t be the #1 bestseller without her existence.Gillian should thank this psycho b*tch.

So my conclusion is:

“Read this book and stay single!”

why you would like this book:
1.Because the plot is book dropping shocking
2.The writing is enjoyable
3.The character is unique and interesting

why you wouldn’t like this book:
1.You simply don’t like thrillers
2.The book featuring a megalomaniac as its main interest

PS: I still think about the injustice.Desi is murdered.And no one seems to take that seriously and simply believes in the story the killer created.Why???!


final report