A Girl Under Construction


“The happiest people dont have the best of everything,they just make the best of everything.”-NN

I may have repeated this like a broken record before,that I may have obsessive compulsive disorder because I cant be normal when I love/hate something.And nowadays I have been obsessed to personality quiz.I dont know why but it really feels relieving to know that somebody out there understands you.Truth is 90% of what they usually say about me is so true like finding someone reading my mind out loud.On the other hand I that also makes me feel like “duh am I that predictable?”But nevermind,I will still read it tho lol.

I found out that some people from my real life actually read my entries because I never realize that my link is displayed on my instagram acc this whole time.So that’s it.Ive always been wondering how can they even know my url and now I feel so dumb.At first I feel paranoid.Knowing somebody from my real life reading something like this gives knots to my stomach because what would they think about me then?After seeing all of these??But then I realize if they actually really had read my entries here and somehow they are still sticking around me without judging me or making fun of me,then I should be grateful I have them in my life.They,after all,have proofed it that they will still support me and not judging me even after seeing my dark thoughts and weirdness.at first I also felt like my freedom is being violated because now since ive known that people i know read my entries i have to be more careful when I write,I cant anymore write furiously without thinking and ignoring every grammatical errors just because I dont care this blog is a ghost town so what.But now I realize that I also dont care.I can write what I want to write,that’s it.

Okay so holiday is almost over.Uni lyfe is about to begin by the end of Jul and I dont know why but I am not thrilled.When I graduated from Junior high,I honestly was expecting too much for high school.Because you know,high school is said to be “the most wonderful and exiting phase of academical study”.People start finding love,have their first kisses,first driving license,first being legal for alcohol drinking,and many more.What they dont tell me is that being in love involves being broken,is that being drunk could possibly makes a friend rambling out every secrets and truths you hope you will never know,is that the ‘exiting’part of high school is learning how to graph a parabola and reading a hemoglobin saturation graph.This is why,I learned my lesson,and dont set my expectation high this time.Uni will be uni.You will study your major and struggling with the workloads every night.I hope I will meet more good people,or at least I will be able to tolerate those whoever people I will meet.I am having enough of toxic relationships with human being and not interested in having some more for future deals.

I myself,consciously aware that I am (by any standards) not [yet] a good person.I am a sad person.I am a girl with bad habits and unstable emotion.I think too much.I am insensitive of other people’s feelings and I admit it that I’m lack in offering any emotional supports or even expressing my own emotion.I can feel highly emotional but I will never give you a single hint about it,I keep everything to myself.I dont share my thoughts and my emotion openly because I dont think people can understand.I cannot swim,cannot ride a bicycle (no kidding),and so many other things that I always want to learn but never have the chance.

I admit it that I am horribly limited and that I am still far far away from that “Miss Perfect” criteria.But cant you see that I am trying?Before logging in here I was practicing my neglected 10 fingers typing standards and every morning during hols I wake up at 6 am for driving lesson.I have boxing classes from time to time and do yoga every sunday evening.I do the dishes every night altho I dont really like it and I swear I am trying not to do it half-heartedly.And the most important thing is that I’m trying to be happy.I am trying to be positive because being miserable is tiring.I want to be a grateful person who can offer emotional supports to her friends,a girl who fast respond every chats and texts and emails instead of procrastinating them until something urgent happened.I try to improve my skills.This feels good but also mentally tiring me.For this moment I think I will still try my best doing this and keep everything on track but I dont know if I will break down or not.Let’s just see and hope for the best.

well said

PS:Currently reading Sycamore Row by John Grisham and it is so good so far,probably will write review soon ❤



12 Things You Need To Remember If You Are Struggling To Believe That You Will Ever Find Love

Don’t laugh!Don’t you even dare to have the ‘idea’ of laughing,okay?So,I’m basically writing this because people these days keep on bugging me with questions like this:
“Are you asexual?”or”Are you lesbian?”or even “What’s wrong with you?Are you normal?”

At first,I didn’t take this too personally but you know 她们接二连三的问提 finally succeed in ruining my inner peace.I think that’s why I start googling things like that article above and even doing “what my sexuality is quizzes”online.Of course I deleted all of my histories in my browser because how if somebody (read:my parents) find out??If I’m not mistaken I did a test on allthetests.com and do you know what it said about my sexuality?I got that big caps locked “YOUR RESULT IS CONFUSING” thingy popping up on my screen,cool.Hey allthetestsdotcom I went into your page at the first place because I was confused and I obviously dont need your approval.I am basically 50 % heterosexual,30 % pansexual,10% bisexual,10% asexual,and 0% homosexual.No wonder the algorithm was confused,heh?

People (including you girls in that photograph abovee) keep on asking me “Are you sure you never fall in love?”Then thanks God I found that article from thoughtcatalog.com ,go read it,I promise it is worth the length haha.My conclusion after reading that article is that nothing is WRONG with me.I’m 100% normal and healthy.Okay for those who always giving me nightmares by asking questions ive mentioned,chill world chill,I’m 18 not 38,okay.We are still so young,anything can happen in a very short amount of time.There is still hope.Some people maybe can find love at age 12,some at 16,some at 22,some at 30,who knows?I just go with the flow.I dont want to force myself or punishing myself with social judgement anymore I’m having enough of it.I want to live my life to its fullest potential,making friends as many as possible,both boys and girls,helping others,learning skills I always want to but never have the chance(boxing,swimming,riding a bike,playing baduk,10 fingers typing,you name it),or maybe even saving the world by reducing carbon monoxide production from my vehicle,or anything but stressing over problems and judgments society creates.

So my conclusion is that I write this post to clarify to all of you people that from the bottom of my heart I know I’m heterosexual,you cant be 100% in anything,start to see the world as hundred shades of grey instead of black and white,okay?Based on that casual online test,I maybe 50% hetero and 50% chaotic but hey some people who can confidently saying they are sure what their sexuality is may also get result as confusing as mine so dont judge.I’m not being sexist or something here,I absolutely respect people who are homosexual,pansexual,asexual,or sapiosexual.I don’t value people from their sexuality,what they owned,or what they believe in.I value you people from the way you interact with each other,the way you treat and respect other people with different backgrounds and mindsets.Here and now I only want to make it clear in what category I am in so that you won’t be confused anymore whenever I write something about human beings equality or kind of next time.I have to sleep now because driving lesson tomorrow will be at 6 in the morning byeee laf ya.

PS:That photo was taken at Gather Inc Cafe
Jalan Taman Puspa Raya Blok A2 No. 11, Made, Sambikerep, Kota SBY, Jawa Timur 60217
Food was pretty good but sorry I didnt manage to take any photo of them because I was hungry as heck
PPS: I recommend peanut butter and banana healthy bowl ,oh and pestapasta because they were soo good!!!

Rose Tinted Glass

Lessons learned this week:
1)I should move on from something I know for sure I dont wanna hold back or vice versa (dont want to hold me back) seriously
2)I should like really (immediately)stop seeing the world through rose tinted glass
3)Accept the reality although I dont like it at all
4)Don’t hope to high,yes I have to dream but don’t forget you are still living on earth not mars jo
5)Now I understand the idea of letting go and that all bitterness shall pass one day
6)Some people were really born assh*les so just detox them out from your life,moreover your heart
7)People who can hurt you the most are usually the ones who are close to you

I usually be that one friend you are looking for when you need advice.Any kind of advice,from how to graph a parabola,how glycolysis work,to several life advice like how do I live my life happily according to my own rules.But the table was finally turned these past few days.I was the one who asked for advice,the who cannot handle her own problems.I found myself desperately scrolling through my phone,looking for victims to be poured by my overwhelming emotion and ramblings.At one point I even found myself arranging a meet up,a face to face deep talk to relieve my anxiety and confusion.I luckily still managed to keep the emotional rage to myself and didnt end up crying or doing any other embarrassing things during the meet up.

This feels weird for me because usually I have never been an emotional person.I cover up really well.I mean yes I have bipolar mood swing inside me 24/7 but I never showed it to others.No one can tell how I feel just by looking at me because from the outside I am always so calm and cool headed.I hardly ever lost my temper in public because everytime I did,I did it here.I blog out my anger,like literary.But this time it is a different case.

Like I had mentioned before,I just got home from hols.Bali was so hype tho,I will never regret it.Late night talks(I enjoyed both deep and light),11 PM swimming (seriously),beach strolling on early mornings (this was mum idea),and everything everything.I swear I’m writing from my heart right now.So because of that,I thought when I got home I would be refresh and ready to live my life far happier than before.But is that what happened to me?Haha,no.Right after I got home I feel like a trash being thrown to hell.Of course I can easily blame my period for this but I know it was not just because of it.There is this problem that bothers my heart,eating up my energy and my clear mind became hazardous again.

In fact,I even couldnt get in here until today.I dont feel like I have the energy.Yesterday I watched Boss Baby and it was awful.The Pirates of Carribean(The Revenge of Salavar) is still far better.But sadly I couldnt get my fav caramel popcorn because I suddenly have cough and flu so sad.Maybe they are right,a confused mind will lead to a decrease in my immune system that’s explain everthing.I need my namaste now.

PS:speaking of namaste,i think should start yoga class again asap

Jika Tuhan Memang Sama

I found this poem almost one year ago from this link all credits go to her account.

Jika Tuhan Memang Sama

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita menunjuk salah
Orang berbeda agama?

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita membuat musnah
Orang berbeda doa?

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita bersusah payah
Menjadi Allah bagi sesama?

Sudah lama sekali rasanya,sejak saya terakhir menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia.Tepat dua hari yang lalu kita memperingati hari lahirnya Pancasila.Untuk pertama kalinya sepanjang ingatan saya,hari itu dijadikan hari libur nasional.Beberapa adik kelas saya malah masih juga harus menghadiri upacara bendera.Banyak yang mengomel tentu saja,namun sebelum kalian menggerutu lebih lanjut,coba pikirkan apakah peringatan ini memang sepenuhnya nonsense?Atau memang sesungguhnya perlu sekali untuk dirayakan setiap tahun?

If you reside in this country,saya percaya kalian semua sudah tahu kasus saling menista Tuhan antar sesama umat beragama di negri ini.Kasusnya rame ampun-ampunan sampai bosan saya dengernya.Nyalain TV ketemu kasus ini,pindah channel eh sama aja,nyalain radio sama aja,baca koran omg ketemu lagi.Nah gara-gara ini,saya jadi punya hipotesa(ingat ya hipotesa jadi cuma ilmu kira-kira aja ngga tau bener atau ngga) bahwa peringatan hari lahir pancasila tahun ini sampai diupacarakan segala untuk mengingatkan seluruh rakyat negri ini bahwa Indonesia dulunya dibangun atas dasar persatuan.Atas dasar Ketuhanan Yang MahaEsa,yang berarti Tuhannya Satu dan sama tanpa mempedulikan tetek bengek lainnya.Intinya kita sama-sama menyembah Sang Pencipta Alam Semesta,tanpa perlu meributkan sebutannya.

Saya sendiri sejak kecil bersekolah di Sekolah Dasar 5 agama.Di sana kami diajarkan bahwa di dunia ini hanya ada dua jenis orang yaitu orang jahat dan orang baik.Sisanya abaikan saja.Ras,warna kulit,agama,orientasi seksual,status ekonomi,status sosial,semua itu cuma embel-embel yang melekat pada jati diri manusia yang sesungguhnya yakni nilai luhur budi pekertinya.Mungkin karena ajarannya sudah seperti itu sejak kecil,sampai sekarang dalam berteman saya sama sekali tidak mempersoalkan hal-hal seperti itu.Mungkin karena hal itu pula saya bertumbuh menjadi pribadi yang sangat tidak suka dengan perilaku diskriminatif dalam hal apapun termasuk rasisme dan sexisme.

Perilaku diskriminatif yang saya maksud di sini bisa datang dari mana saja,baik kaum mayoritas maupun kaum minoritas.Saya jujur saja kurang suka juga dengan kaum minoritas yang mau mendukung politisi tertentu hanya dengan alasan warna kulit dan agamanya sama (kalian taulah politisi mana yang saya maksud) bukan karena kejujuran atau integritasnya.Fenomena yang terjadi di negara kita ini merupakan bukti nyata bahwa kaum minoritaspun ternyata juga diskriminatif.Contoh nyata lainnya,kali ini lebih real karena menyangkut personal life saya,ada seorang teman yang baru saja berpindah haluan agama.Sebut saja dari agama minoritas pindah ke agama mayoritas.You can guess what happen next?Yap si teman ini langsung digossipin habis-habisan di belakang punggungnya.Saya merasa teramat sangat miris.Sumpah. Hey if you are reading this(you know who you are)I still love you despite everything else!Intinya,saya cuma mau bilang bahwa baik mayoritas maupun minoritas semuanya sama-sama punya peluang untuk berperilaku diskriminatif,semua kembali kepada pribadi masing-masing lagi.Semua dari kita sama-sama masih harus belajar.Belajar untuk saling mengerti,untuk saling menerima.Buat apa susah payah memahami kalkulus dan trigonometri kalau memahami lingkungan sendiri saja tidak bisa??

Terakhir sebagai paragraf kesimpulan,saya ingin menekankan bahwa tak akan ada perilaku diskriminatif jika tak ada kebencian,dan tak akan ada kebencian tanpa ada keterpisahan.Jadi,saya berharap sebagai generasi baru dari bangsa ini,kita semua mampu mengembangkan jiwa toleransi dan hidup dalam rasa saling menghargai tanpa perlu saling menjadi hakim bagi sesama seperti yang telah disajakkan Adela pada puisi di atas.Tulisan ini saya buat setulus-tulusnya dari hati tanpa bermaksud menyakiti pihak manapun,so no hard feelings peeps!See ya!

true af

PS: this is my self mantra this week