Finding Home

beaut

Let me just stated that I am just not in the mood for writing a bright-bright sunny entries.I am still lamenting on the fact that I am going to turned 19 this month and I still haven’t done anything yet with my life.My life haven’t even started!I don’t even know who to blame here.Me,my life,the government,my parents?I feel so scared of what’s coming.My whole life I never feel belong.I am lost in this world and right now I am wondering will I ever find home?

I feel myself being really clingy these days.I am not sure if this has something to do with my hormonal flux (my next period is in 4 days) but point is-this is a new feeling for me.And I am not sure how to react toward this brand new thing in my life.I spent 18 years of my life hating of being touch.I loathe physical contact,I am not a hugger,I don’t usually enjoy warm cuddlings,and I even avoid handshakes whenever it is possible.I am always so judgmental to some of my friends who are “real touchers”.They are people who actually enjoy physical touch,or even craving for it most of the time.”I need human touch!”some of them usually complain,while trying to reach for my arms,or touching my cheeks for warm greetings.I usually reaally hate these people.Like really,I hate you.But I guess the table has finally turns now.I am not sure how long have I been feeling like this but I am aware that something must has changed.Something is wrong.I am no more that person I usually am.I well I suddenly feel a shame writing this hemh.Okay let’s just finish this.I at first suddenly feel so lonely when I am alone,when usually I am not (remember my last post?).Then I began to enjoy human touch.I mean when a friend of mine (one of those touchers people) start hugging me and everything,I didn’t draw myself backwards.The snowballs effect takes place,hugs,cuddles,hair stroking,you name it.Things by things happened and then before I realized it,I have already accustomed myself to these little gestures and what surprise me is that I begin to enjoy it.Which is weird.Like really weird.

Home for me before,is a beautiful modern apartment cubicle downtown.With me inside it,drinking rosegold champagne from my mini fridge in my mini bar,ALONE.Like really that was my definition of ‘finding home’.I thought maybe I will look for a job,a well paid one,settle in that pretty place and go travel the world in the meantime to lose myself and to find myself.All is about myself.Me,me,me,me,me!Me is so important.In fact I used the word ‘me’ and ‘I’ so many times in this blog you can’t count it,can you?

But these days I am thinking more and more and more about this matter and my definition of ‘home’ has been a little bit shifted.I am still developing my mind and thoughts and soul,I feel insecure,I am still not sure.So now I wonder what home is.Is that a feeling to be belonged?To be accepted by people who love you?To be fitted in other’s people lives?Is it real that home can be a manifestation of 4 limbs and a lips to kiss>A person whose whole being fitted yours perfectly?Is it even possible for that kind of thing to exist outside a song?

I really wonder about this and I don’t know what to feel,to think,or to act.I feel so lost and so stupid.Isn’t it funny that the older I get the less I feel I know about life.Bye!Please enjoy this song from Nicole Zefanya,which is so good and heart-warming. ❤

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Alonee

This is so LOL OMG I CANT BREATH!!

How To Deal With Loneliness-Written by An Expert #lol

Hey there,guess how life has brought me recently?Okay so I am copying one of my writings in my phone’s notes which I wrote right away wherever I was and now you can judge by yourself how my life is so far.

This one was written on Jan 27 2018
Writing right away from the toilet wuehehe I guess I am just the next Merry Riana right?
So I am actually in the middle of a birthday party.I am unhappy and everything is just not in the right place.Nobody I know actually came here.I am alone and usually that’s totally fine by me.Since entering uni I dont mind anymore to be alone.I never feel lonely whenever I am alone.I even actually enjoy it!But this time it is different because first this is a birthday party and everyone seems to be having fun with someone else meanwhile I am just wandering around all by myself,looking for food.Desperately eating my sweet pear cake and chocolate dripped marshmallows alone,picking on my salad and swallowing my sashimi(s) with quick gulps while trying to ignore bystanders’ stares.I am trying to look chill,confident,and independent because I usually am.But I can’t.

What makes it worse is the fact that I do actually “know” some people in that party but I cant join them because I am never been that close to tail them everywhere in a party.I feel so insecure,I am scared if they somehow observe that I am so alone (and lonely) in this party and I am anxious of what they will think of me because it does matter and I do really care about it!So pathetic?Yes!I know and I feel powerless!

Well I think now since my stomach has been full enough,I will just go outside the toilet and never comeback again to the party venue and exploring the hotel instead!I am always like this omgg.I am always curious and excited of strolling around new huge hotel and this one is a five star one so I think I deserve some happiness.

Alright this is the end of my note but I will tell you the rest of the story.So I did really sit inside the toilet stall for a freaking long time,staring at those sophomore girls’ legs and listening to their endless chats about silicon bras,eyeliner,somebody’s new mascara,and boys ofc.Then after they all gone I came out from my hiding fortress and went outside,strolling the whole huge,nice hotel.

I got myself lost between the carpeted aisles,sitting on so many huge sofas and takes tons of selfies on every mirrors I could find (the hotel hangs a mirror every 5 metres no kidding),then I ended up sitting at the lobby,listening to a mandarin singer singing at the top of her lungs along with a classical piano music being played.I suddenly felt so chill and relaxed.Then I went home lol.

This is my life.I dont know what to hope,how to react,or even what to feel anymore.I am just going to let it be.So bye!

this is me taking selfie at the toilet after those girls were gone,pardon the quality I have crappy phone camera but still dont plan to buy a new one bcos iam just being me haha

this is me on another day when I accidentally opened my front camera and I freaked out why I looked depressed but soon remembered this is how I basically look like 24/7 lol