Counting The Blessings

This week,has been ridiculously hectic.I don’t get it why uni lyfe is extreme,it is either you have nothing at all to do or you have a bajillion things to finish in a very short period of time there is no in between.And then you ended up feeling highly overwhelmed.

This is what happened this week:

1)I skipped 3 lectures in a row but it was worth the experience I get.So,I spontaneously decided to join a debate competition at the very last minutes before the competition takes place.It will be a long story to tell you everything but we finally ended up bringing home a gigantic trophy.I know I am still-by any definition-a newbie who stuttered a LOT and messing things up all the way long but at least I still feel happy.I am happy because at least I have made a small first step in this ‘debating world’ I have never been involved before.I can’t deny that every time after I join a competition,I will feel smarter and better than I was before.I believe that intelligence has to be acquired through a long process of learning.This is why,I never stop.This is why,I keep on fighting,keep on going.
I have promised myself to practice,practice,and doing better in the future.I want to embrace all the best traits of myself and make the most of me.

2)This morning I went out of town with some commitee members to survey several hotels and villas for end of year meeting.And we had a hella lot of fun.It rained a lot but still okayy thoo.I believe that little things happened at the least expected moments are the one that will actually become a memory in the future.

3)Tasya finally gave born 2 days ago!A baby girl!!!!WELCOME TO THE WORLD ALISHA!!!!
I have to admit that at first it feels kinda weird to know that my very first best friend on earth has been a mother.The day I found out you were pregnant,darling if you are somehow reading this,I felt a little bit shock because hell yeahhh you didn’t tell me before lol!You never even mention anything about having having a baby hahaha.But then after I finally recover from my short-period shock,I started feeling very very excited for you.I am always happy whenever you are happy and I had always know that you really really really love babies!I even wonder why I was shock at first!As your oldest best buddy I should have known this and never question any decision you make in life.I support you,fully,and wholly with my heart ❤

And now after the baby is finally here,I feel so awesome.I feel like well,when I still haven't done anything significant yet with my life,there you are syaa already being a mother for a cute little creature and a wife for a loving husband.I can't deny that -yes,I do feel this so strange.I can't comprehend this 100% but again this is life and the best that we can do is just letting it go the way it wants.

I still remember the day we were just little kids,begging for candies and playing dolls.I still remember the day we entered elementary and everything everything and yet now you are already a mother and it is you daughter who is going to beg for candies to us later.OMG OMGG I can't help I feel so happy,so strange,and so WEIRDLY EXCITED.

This event also provokes my brain to overthink more.I think about how I have been living in this planet for 19 years and still haven't done anything useful yet.I have a new goal for my life.I want to be a blessing for other people,at least for people around me.This is indeed a really difficult goal for me since I am such a piece of shit.I realize that so far I have been a really hard and cold hearted person.I don't do nice thing to people,I am not kind,I am very moody and I have bipolar mood-swings I feel very sorry for people who have to deal with me everyday and have the obligation to love me because I am not easy to love.I am just not.But I want to change to be a better person.Like what I always intensify here forever-I want to matter and I want to contribute.And if I can't be Einstein or Lincoln,the least I can be is a little blessing in other people lives.

See you on another post!I love you peeps!!!


Finding Home


Let me just stated that I am just not in the mood for writing a bright-bright sunny entries.I am still lamenting on the fact that I am going to turned 19 this month and I still haven’t done anything yet with my life.My life haven’t even started!I don’t even know who to blame here.Me,my life,the government,my parents?I feel so scared of what’s coming.My whole life I never feel belong.I am lost in this world and right now I am wondering will I ever find home?

I feel myself being really clingy these days.I am not sure if this has something to do with my hormonal flux (my next period is in 4 days) but point is-this is a new feeling for me.And I am not sure how to react toward this brand new thing in my life.I spent 18 years of my life hating of being touch.I loathe physical contact,I am not a hugger,I don’t usually enjoy warm cuddlings,and I even avoid handshakes whenever it is possible.I am always so judgmental to some of my friends who are “real touchers”.They are people who actually enjoy physical touch,or even craving for it most of the time.”I need human touch!”some of them usually complain,while trying to reach for my arms,or touching my cheeks for warm greetings.I usually reaally hate these people.Like really,I hate you.But I guess the table has finally turns now.I am not sure how long have I been feeling like this but I am aware that something must has changed.Something is wrong.I am no more that person I usually am.I well I suddenly feel a shame writing this hemh.Okay let’s just finish this.I at first suddenly feel so lonely when I am alone,when usually I am not (remember my last post?).Then I began to enjoy human touch.I mean when a friend of mine (one of those touchers people) start hugging me and everything,I didn’t draw myself backwards.The snowballs effect takes place,hugs,cuddles,hair stroking,you name it.Things by things happened and then before I realized it,I have already accustomed myself to these little gestures and what surprise me is that I begin to enjoy it.Which is weird.Like really weird.

Home for me before,is a beautiful modern apartment cubicle downtown.With me inside it,drinking rosegold champagne from my mini fridge in my mini bar,ALONE.Like really that was my definition of ‘finding home’.I thought maybe I will look for a job,a well paid one,settle in that pretty place and go travel the world in the meantime to lose myself and to find myself.All is about myself.Me,me,me,me,me!Me is so important.In fact I used the word ‘me’ and ‘I’ so many times in this blog you can’t count it,can you?

But these days I am thinking more and more and more about this matter and my definition of ‘home’ has been a little bit shifted.I am still developing my mind and thoughts and soul,I feel insecure,I am still not sure.So now I wonder what home is.Is that a feeling to be belonged?To be accepted by people who love you?To be fitted in other’s people lives?Is it real that home can be a manifestation of 4 limbs and a lips to kiss>A person whose whole being fitted yours perfectly?Is it even possible for that kind of thing to exist outside a song?

I really wonder about this and I don’t know what to feel,to think,or to act.I feel so lost and so stupid.Isn’t it funny that the older I get the less I feel I know about life.Bye!Please enjoy this song from Nicole Zefanya,which is so good and heart-warming. ❤



How To Deal With Loneliness-Written by An Expert #lol

Hey there,guess how life has brought me recently?Okay so I am copying one of my writings in my phone’s notes which I wrote right away wherever I was and now you can judge by yourself how my life is so far.

This one was written on Jan 27 2018
Writing right away from the toilet wuehehe I guess I am just the next Merry Riana right?
So I am actually in the middle of a birthday party.I am unhappy and everything is just not in the right place.Nobody I know actually came here.I am alone and usually that’s totally fine by me.Since entering uni I dont mind anymore to be alone.I never feel lonely whenever I am alone.I even actually enjoy it!But this time it is different because first this is a birthday party and everyone seems to be having fun with someone else meanwhile I am just wandering around all by myself,looking for food.Desperately eating my sweet pear cake and chocolate dripped marshmallows alone,picking on my salad and swallowing my sashimi(s) with quick gulps while trying to ignore bystanders’ stares.I am trying to look chill,confident,and independent because I usually am.But I can’t.

What makes it worse is the fact that I do actually “know” some people in that party but I cant join them because I am never been that close to tail them everywhere in a party.I feel so insecure,I am scared if they somehow observe that I am so alone (and lonely) in this party and I am anxious of what they will think of me because it does matter and I do really care about it!So pathetic?Yes!I know and I feel powerless!

Well I think now since my stomach has been full enough,I will just go outside the toilet and never comeback again to the party venue and exploring the hotel instead!I am always like this omgg.I am always curious and excited of strolling around new huge hotel and this one is a five star one so I think I deserve some happiness.

Alright this is the end of my note but I will tell you the rest of the story.So I did really sit inside the toilet stall for a freaking long time,staring at those sophomore girls’ legs and listening to their endless chats about silicon bras,eyeliner,somebody’s new mascara,and boys ofc.Then after they all gone I came out from my hiding fortress and went outside,strolling the whole huge,nice hotel.

I got myself lost between the carpeted aisles,sitting on so many huge sofas and takes tons of selfies on every mirrors I could find (the hotel hangs a mirror every 5 metres no kidding),then I ended up sitting at the lobby,listening to a mandarin singer singing at the top of her lungs along with a classical piano music being played.I suddenly felt so chill and relaxed.Then I went home lol.

This is my life.I dont know what to hope,how to react,or even what to feel anymore.I am just going to let it be.So bye!

this is me taking selfie at the toilet after those girls were gone,pardon the quality I have crappy phone camera but still dont plan to buy a new one bcos iam just being me haha

this is me on another day when I accidentally opened my front camera and I freaked out why I looked depressed but soon remembered this is how I basically look like 24/7 lol


I don’t know what’s going on with my life right now.Hols is almost end and I am sure I am ready to spend crazy hours locking up myself in the library again when uni lyfe finally starts.Remember my resolution tho?I am going to make it.I am going to finish my readings and learn a lot of things although a month has nearly pass and yet I still haven’t finished a single book yet whoah.Me so strong-willed heh?

Well anyway I am still struggling to finish The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson because everybody keeps on saying about how good it is.I think I will pick up a copy of Jodie Picoult again this year but nor sure sih just hope for the best for me.

Watched Victorious series several nights ago not sure when because I feel like I have lost track of time ,can barely distinguish a day from another.I also feel emotionally unstable and weird,maybe meditation will help?Please comment bellow if you have any advice!Thanks!

PS:Just read this and found it hilarious!!!

100 Truths About Me

So hellow peeps I am back here,typing in the middle of the night…woops no actually this is 1 30 AM already but yeah whatever.Things have gone weird and somehow just feel wrong in my life these days so in status quo I dont give a shit.I am tired of keeping everything in control.I am tired.So here I am being very unhealthy with my crazy haphazard sleeping schedule.I am being random again now which I have never been for maybe almost this whole semester right?Since I finally filled up my brain and let people tell me what and how to write ‘a good writing’blah.

But anyway,I just realized that although you might have been following this blog and being an avid reader for almost 4 years now,you still actually never feel like you truly know me except the fact that I have a crazy mood swing.So this is why when I saw this 100 Truth About Me Post in Selina’s blog(which she stole from her sister’s blog) I decided to also stole it and post my own version of it here.I dont feel like doing further ramblings so here we go…

1. Last beverage: plain water,my life is so boring
2. Last phone call: i loathe phone calls so obviously no phone
3. Last text message: well it was an online order to Buttercup_sby (it is an online shop and i need a new brow pencil because mine has been run out since last december)
4. Last song you listened to: Havana-Camilla Cabello
5. Last time you cried: on my second day of my last period which is happen to be last week lol
6. Dated someone: no and i am 18 now lol
7. Been cheated on: haha no
8. Kissed someone and regretted it: you can’t regret something you never did
9. Lost someone special: so far no
10. Been depressed: this is how i spend my life all of my avid readers must have known
11. Been drunk and threw up: yes
12: Rose gold in status quo -but this is changing over the time no kidding
13: Different Shades of grey (im dead serious im so pathetic)
14: Every natural shades like brown,black,tosca,silver,gold,white,etc.
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:(2017 because 2018 has just started)
15. Made a new friend: yes a bunch of new friends but no new best friend
16. Fallen out of love: yes
17. Laughed until you cried: yes i think so but i cant remember
18. Met someone who changed you: NO
19. Found out who your true friends were: yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Haha yes and this is crazy I was in the toilet stall doing my business and then a bunch of friends got in and talked very loudly about me!They didnt even know I was there so I was just sitting inside awkwardly and waited until they all gone before coming out because of course I couldnt just come out right in front of their noses right?this is so ridiculous I have a weird sense of humor.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list: so far no
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: haha idk seriously i have so many people on that list lol but know almost no one maybe haha
23. How many kids do you want: I never actually think about this and this kinda surprise me since i am always overthink everything
24. Do you have any pets: no
25. Do you want to change your name: Yess
26. What did you do for your last birthday: I bought some trays of sushi and brought them to school for my circle of friends to enjoy
27. What time did you wake up today: 9:00 AM
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping.I went to bed early last night.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: my life to finally begin
30. Last time you saw your Mother: like 3 hours ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my race and my genes,i know this is sad and sounds ungrateful but really iam just being honest
32. What are you listening to right now: Closer-The Chainsmoker
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:humh no
34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now: haha how if they read?
35. Most visited webpage: google
36. Whats your real name: Joana.That’s all.
37. Nicknames: Jo or Joan
38. Relationship Status:i feel empty
39. Zodiac sign: Pisces
40. Male or female: Female
41. Primary School: YPPI IV
42. Secondary School: Petra 3
43. High school/college: Petra 2
44. Hair color: dark dark brownish with a slightly bleached blond at the bottom
45. Long or short: it’s an armpit length by now
46. Height: 157 cm 😦 yes iam a midget so sad
47. Do you have a crush on someone: im not so sure i told you i am lost
48. What do you like about yourself: I am a hard worker and a perfectionist in a way
49. Piercings: none.yes you read it right-NONE.
50. Tattoos: none at the moment
51. Righty or lefty: right handed
52. First surgery:none
53. First piercing: NONE
54. First best friend: Natasha
55. First sport you joined: idk running maybe
56. First vacation:to a place looks like a mountainous area when I was still a small annoying baby i cant recall
58. First pair of trainers: cant recall sorrey
59. Eating:nothing
60. Drinking:nothing atm
61. I’m about to: i am about to make a hot cocoa drink because my stomach feels weird
62. Listening to: the buzzing sound of my computer
63. What time is it: 02:26
64. Want kids:maybe i dont know my future seems so blurry and dim
65. Get married: i hope so but again nothing is so sure right now
66. Career: I want to have a career in branding or advertising or maybe working as a foreign country embassy
67. Lips or eyes: lips of course
68. Hugs or kisses:kisses lol
69. Shorter or taller: taller
70. Older or Younger: younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: nice arms!I judge boys from their arms and i often randomly crushing strangers and get myself into trouble just by staring at their beautiful firm arms omg what am i talking about
73. Sensitive or loud: i am not loud nor sensitive but i guess my tendency is more into sensitive rather than loud
74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship
76. Kissed a stranger: nah
77. Drank hard liquor: yes but that was only vodka,is that hard liquor by your definition?
78. Lost glasses/contacts: always happen lol i lost my glasses 3 times and my contacts once-story of my life
79. Sex on first date: humh it depends on the situation like in what country am i living or am i on birth pills or not and many other things like that to be considered
80. Broken someone’s heart: yes but i didn’t mean it
82. Been arrested: nah
83. Turned someone down: yes
84. Cried when someone died: so far no
85. Fallen for a friend: yes
86. Yourself: not really iam insecure
87. Miracles: yes under certain circumstances
88. Love at first sight: no
89. Heaven: yes
90. Santa Claus: never
91. Kiss on the first date: yes
92. Angels: yes
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no
95. Did you sing today: nope
96. Ever cheated on somebody: so far no wkwk and iam not planning to
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: 22 Feb 1999
98. The moment you would choose to relive: 3rd grade and 4th grade of elementary school and year 8 junior high
99. Are you afraid of falling in love:yes
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: nope

PS:this is so funny i finally found somebody who is more random than me wakakkaka

I was Cats when i was younger but then i turned into Victorious Jade after i hit puberty its strange to think how people can change drastically in a really short period of time.

Funny Little Thing Called Life


If I will ever write a book I think that will be the title.I don’t know what is wrong with me but I obviously know that there must be something.I mean,you don’t feel constantly exhausted both physically and mentally right?

I woke up with my head throbbing terribly today.My whole body aches and I can’t think clearly.I know that last night was new year eve but no,I didn’t drink.So this is not a hangover.This is just me being me.Pathetic me.

It seems like I have been in a hangover or an existencial crisis for my whole life.I feel lost and I want to disappear.To vanish into the air.Just like that.

But since I obviously can’t do that I have to act like a grown up and face my life.This is why I got into here from the first place and planned out my 2018 new year resolution.Here we go…

1.Finish Mankiw

2.Publish a work on Wattpad

3.Break once in a debate competition with me fully participating and not just being a burden for my team mates.There is a phrase in Chinese for this 滥竽充数-be there to just fill up the number.

4.Exercise regularly

5.Spend less time on electronic device

6.Eat healthier,reduce my sugar intake

7.Try not to get irritated or angry easily for things I cant even explain

8.Try to forgive my past and deal with them as a part of me and my history.

9.Read more books about travel

Hopefully I will survive this other year and be able to get out of this little funny game called life unscratched,see you next time!

2017 Top 3 Books-No Kidding Only 3!!!

Okay so yeah 31 of December,here it comes the time of the year again when I have to face and lamenting on the facts that another year has again passed but still I haven’t done anything significant yet.Despite the reality that this year is somewhat not a really fantastic nor life-changing one,I am quite satisfied.At least I can accomplish my 2017 reading challenge on goodreads.Last year I set a realistic goal to read 12 books only in 2017 and I completed it today yayy!And because of the small quantity,I decided to only pick the top 3 best books not 5 like I usually do.So,here we go!
1.Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

This is the best book I have read this year.Please note that this is based on my personal opinion and highly influenced by my personal life phase condition and belief.

This book is not really poetic nor scientific like most of my other favorite books but I simply love this book because of the story itself is outstanding and mind-blowing and therefore giving me a fresh perspective of life.I love Elizabeth Gilbert,her thoughts and her courage to take initiative.This book really inspires me to continue my life,to take a step ahead and make a difference.

2.Filosofi Kopi by Dee

This book is beautifully written,full of thought provoking short stories about love and life in general.I have written a review for this one on another separate post so please click in this sentence if you want to know more.
3.The Firm by John Grisham

Introducing Grisham as my current favorite author,I highly recommend this title for those who are still not familiar with his works.The Firm with its fast-paced story is engaging the readers from the first page to the end.The story is so thrilling,intelligent,and breath-taking by itself so just enjoy!!

I little guess this will be my last post in 2017,to every readers out there ;thanks for being real nice and supportive until today.I still remember the year I started this blog (2013) I was so depressed and tired and confused.There weren’t many of you yet by that time but over the times joining discussions and reading other people stories(people like me esp) from all over the world give me that feeling of acceptance and hope,hope that maybe someday I can actually find my life purpose and be happy!Happy new year peeps!!

PS: this is my first year without finishing any Jodi Picoult-s!Actually I have started reading Vanishing Acts via ebook since months ago but still never have the chance to finish it hehe.

Filosofi Kopi by Dee (Review)

Judul :Filosofi Kopi
Penulis :Dee Lestari
Penerbit :PT Bentang Pustaka
Tebal :142 halaman

Sebagai seorang manusia saya ingin menjadi seperti karya-karya Dee;indah di hati sekaligus mencerahkan isi kepala.Layaknya secangkir kopi,buku ini harus dinikmati dan diresapi perlahan-lahan.Hirup aromanya dalam-dalam layaknya kopi tubruk,nikmati keindahannya layaknya secangkir cappuccino.Jangan tergesa-gesa,jangan terburu-buru.Karya ini terlalu indah untuk dilewatkan sekejap mata.

Jika Anda adalah pembaca setia blog ini, tentu Anda sudah tahu betapa saya sangat mencintai karya-karya Dee.Filosofi Kopi bukanlah perkecualian.Buku ini merupakan kumpulan 11 cerita pendek tentang cinta.Segala macam bentuk cinta dibahas dan dikupas habis secara menyeluruh di sini,mulai dari cinta sepasang insan manusia biasa,cinta terlarang,cinta sesama jenis,cinta persahabatan,sampai cintanya kecoakpun dapat ditemukan.

Gaya penulisah Dee yang cerkas terasa sangat kental dalam buku ini sejak cerpen pertama hingga terakhir.Saya mencintai karya-karya Dee karena gaya bahasanya yang selain nyastra banget juga sangat scientific in a way.Karya-karya Dee adalah bukti kombinasi sempurna intelektualitas dengan kehalusan nilai rasa.Bukti nyata bahwa cinta sesungguhnya juga mengenal logika.Pada diri Dee bersembunyi seorang esais handal yang terselubung dalam rupa seorang juru dongeng.

Cerita pendek favorit saya dari Filosofi Kopi adalah Buddha Bar.Entah mengapa dan entah bagaimana caranya Dee dapat menghadirkan suasana magis namun realistis dalam cerita tersebut.Di urutan nomor dua saya menetapkan pilihan pada cerpen Sikat Gigi,selanjutnya di urutan keempat dan kelima ada Filosofi Kopi,dan Lara Lana.Seluruh kisahnya kaya akan keindahan dan pengetahuan.Membacanya dapat memuaskan jiwa sekaligus memperluas isi kepala.Membuka mindset kita dengan cara menggugah hati kita.

Sekian yang dapat saya jabarkan mengenai salah satu mahakarya Dee Lestari,selebihnya silahkan Anda nikmati sendiri saja.Seduh kopi itu,resapi tiap kata dan keindahannya,kemudian bagikanlah pengalaman luar biasa itu kepada saya dan semua orang pada kolom komentar di bawah ini haha!Selamat membaca!



Quarter Life Crisis

this is my facial expression 24/7 these days lol

I am basically a zombie.I am just walking around without knowing my direction,souless and attracted to brains.Thats the most exact description of myself in this current situation.I have been enduring crazy hectic schedule these past few months especially last month.People may see me as a productive person and some even directly told me how they envy me for my seemingly endless energy.My recent habit and lifestyle maybe really can lead you to believe the wrong thing.I seem like I am really busy and I know what am I doing,I know what I want and I am now working hard to achieve it.Well but is that what actually happen to me?lol no.Not at all.

I feel like a machine.I feel like I have to keep myself busy to stay sane.I look for every opportunity to keep me busy,to keep me having things to do,to be done,and to be stressed over so that I don’t have to think about my personal internal problem which has been growing larger and larger and larger every single day.It became harder and and harder to forget it,to refuse thinking about it.It keeps on haunting me days and nights.

I am breaking apart and I am falling through my own hole of ‘I dont know what hole is this that keeps on sucking me,my happiness,my life purpose,and finally…energy’

The biggest question is “Who am I in the world?”and “After this what?What should I do with my life?”
No,I don’t know what I want to do with my life like most of my friends may think of.I dying and I am scared.I realize that I dont have all the time in the world.That my time is very limited so that I should use it wisely before I die.

I feel lost
Like really lost I feel like I cant even stress this enough

I did some research to find out whats actually wrong with me and I came out with the result telling me that this is also just a phase and this is normal.They call it The Quarter Life Crisis and every single human being will experience it once in their lifetime,usually during mid 20s.Im 18 going on 19 but yeah whatever I am always a step forward from people in general.In every stages of life.Literary every stages even since when I was still a little baby so no worries.Yeah right no worries.Amen.

Really dunno what to say.Bye!

7 Things To Do Before I Die

Hey there!I have a whole lot of stories to tell you about.So many things had happened during these weeks.Much pressure and of course much burden,very much stress,but also I have gained so many fresh perspectives about life.

I watched a TED talk video last week about how Ric Elias finally realized that life is too short and that things can change very quickly.This is why we should make sure that we dont waste our time doing things we dont even enjoy with people we dont even love.

Then I started thinking about what kind of activity I always want to do before I die but never have the chance until now.I was quite depressed because there are actually so many things waiting in my list.I tried to cut them off and ended up with this :

1.Travel more
Visit more countries,try more food,enjoy living in a completely different culture than the one I usually dwell in.
2.Learn a new language
Surprisingly Russian is on my number 1 top list.And then there are Latin and French bellow.I am always good in language.I love language very much and I have always secretly have that passion to be a polyglot.
3.Learn an instrument
Violin is my number one priority,then guitar and piano on the next list.Oh and ukulele.I never been a musical prodigy at all but idk why i just feel like I want to learn more instruments.
4.Go Skydiving!!!!
No kidding!Since I have read an article in reader digest about a 17 years old girl in Philippines who is obsessed with skydiving,I have always kept it in mind that one day I will give it a try!
5.Join a volunteer work in foreign countries,esp in wild life and natural resources conservation field.
I want to join WWF programme or UNICEF or anything like this before I die.I need to feel life to its fullest potential and find myself,find how i will react under different kind of situations.
6.Master one martial art and self defense skill
Kick boxing and muay thai are in my considerations now.
7.Publish a book and art work
I want to write something about my life or passions or anything to mark by existence on planet earth before I die.That’s all.

Okay so these are mine,what’s yours???

Take me here and I will love you forever!