Let me just stated that I am just not in the mood for writing a bright-bright sunny entries.I am still lamenting on the fact that I am going to turned 19 this month and I still haven’t done anything yet with my life.My life haven’t even started!I don’t even know who to blame here.Me,my life,the government,my parents?I feel so scared of what’s coming.My whole life I never feel belong.I am lost in this world and right now I am wondering will I ever find home?
I feel myself being really clingy these days.I am not sure if this has something to do with my hormonal flux (my next period is in 4 days) but point is-this is a new feeling for me.And I am not sure how to react toward this brand new thing in my life.I spent 18 years of my life hating of being touch.I loathe physical contact,I am not a hugger,I don’t usually enjoy warm cuddlings,and I even avoid handshakes whenever it is possible.I am always so judgmental to some of my friends who are “real touchers”.They are people who actually enjoy physical touch,or even craving for it most of the time.”I need human touch!”some of them usually complain,while trying to reach for my arms,or touching my cheeks for warm greetings.I usually reaally hate these people.Like really,I hate you.But I guess the table has finally turns now.I am not sure how long have I been feeling like this but I am aware that something must has changed.Something is wrong.I am no more that person I usually am.I well I suddenly feel a shame writing this hemh.Okay let’s just finish this.I at first suddenly feel so lonely when I am alone,when usually I am not (remember my last post?).Then I began to enjoy human touch.I mean when a friend of mine (one of those touchers people) start hugging me and everything,I didn’t draw myself backwards.The snowballs effect takes place,hugs,cuddles,hair stroking,you name it.Things by things happened and then before I realized it,I have already accustomed myself to these little gestures and what surprise me is that I begin to enjoy it.Which is weird.Like really weird.
Home for me before,is a beautiful modern apartment cubicle downtown.With me inside it,drinking rosegold champagne from my mini fridge in my mini bar,ALONE.Like really that was my definition of ‘finding home’.I thought maybe I will look for a job,a well paid one,settle in that pretty place and go travel the world in the meantime to lose myself and to find myself.All is about myself.Me,me,me,me,me!Me is so important.In fact I used the word ‘me’ and ‘I’ so many times in this blog you can’t count it,can you?
But these days I am thinking more and more and more about this matter and my definition of ‘home’ has been a little bit shifted.I am still developing my mind and thoughts and soul,I feel insecure,I am still not sure.So now I wonder what home is.Is that a feeling to be belonged?To be accepted by people who love you?To be fitted in other’s people lives?Is it real that home can be a manifestation of 4 limbs and a lips to kiss>A person whose whole being fitted yours perfectly?Is it even possible for that kind of thing to exist outside a song?
I really wonder about this and I don’t know what to feel,to think,or to act.I feel so lost and so stupid.Isn’t it funny that the older I get the less I feel I know about life.Bye!Please enjoy this song from Nicole Zefanya,which is so good and heart-warming. ❤