Life is so hectic nowadays and my crazy bipolar mood swing doesn’t help me going through it.I don’t know why my hormone fluctuation is unstable like this.For one day I can be very clingy and looking for attention from other human beings.I feel like I want to be touched and loved,I want people to hug me and kiss the nape of my neck,my forehead,the tip of my nose.But then the next day I can suddenly be very hateful and resentful.I feel very angry when people touch me,even the very slightest one.I then decided that the best way to solve this problem is to avoid people.I isolate myself in the corner of the library where nobody can find me.I try my best to ignore the overwhelming urged to be touched by other people whenever my body suddenly turns into that ‘clingy mode’.I have created that term by myself lol.What makes me feel grateful is that I am aware of these things happening to me!Just imagine how if I am not aware that my hormonal fluctuation is trying to play me?How if I am just blindly driven by this emotional pendulum?I think I will be one of those typical teenage girls who can’t control their emotions,who are very problematic because their common sense can’t hold back their body’s hormonal changes.
I also having a bad time curing quite severe acne problem like the one I ever had back in high school.I am dependent on my dermatologist prescripted cream again now.This acne problem reminds me of that period of life back in high school.Do you remember how during my first year in high school I was suffering a very very bad bipolar mood swing?The difference is,now I am AWARE of what is happening with my body.I am aware that I am being sad because of my hormone and not because I am mentally retarded (or,am I?) or because my life is bad.Back then in high school I didn’t realize this so that I feel so depressed.I let myself fell in love then out of love in a very brief period of time,I let my heart being broken and healed just like that.(What is heart by the way?Isn’t it just another bad feelings signals our brain produces in response of hormonal change?).Oh gosh,how I loathe hormones!If I am not studying literature I probably will dedicate my life to study hormones and their impacts to our emotion.
Alright,by this point you may wonder what the purpose of this writing is.The answer is-there isn’t any particular purpose at all.I just want to release everything inside my brains.All the things I didn’t say,I wrote it.Uni has been quite hectic.For my whole life I never imagine that one day I can ever be tired of writing and reading!!!But it is happening now.I suddenly feel like reading and writing is so hard because it is an obligation for me!I have an essay deadline on Monday and the lecturer just told us this evening duh.And since I am in the uni newspaper,I also should catch my deadlines to writing headlines.I am tired of writing endless first drafts and final drafts for writing class and then ended up with a B+ instead of an A despite my hard work.But I still have to prepare my final draft for this Tuesday’s midterm.I am tired of reading books they obliged us to read.Currently I am still struggling with I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be An Atheist.I have to read it because if I don’t,I cant answer the quiz.This evening I also just finished my first Shakespeare-Othello,The Moor of Venice.Don’t judge me wrong,I am not saying that those readings are bad or awful,they are indeed amazing and interesting to read.I just regret it that I have to read them under-pressure instead of enjoying them as arts and brain snacks!I often don’t get enough sleep to catch my reading.
After logging out from here I have to study linguistic because midterm is next week and I haven’t study anything yet and let’s just say I had skipped two lectures due to my crazy activities.The material is also so much and not-that-easy to comprehend.So yeah I have to study.But really I love reading class with Mr Todd mainly because the selections he gives to us are always mind-blowing!The stories are so amazing they have changed my perspective,all of the stories I have read in this class,together with all other crazy experiences I have had since I entered uni have changed me a lot.When I was in high school,I remember exactly last year I still thought that I was a very open-minded person,that I was superior to my friends because of my knowledge about life and because of my open-mindedness.But now,at this moment,I feel like I actually know nothing about anything.I know nothing about people and the world and life and God.I was just a foolish high schooler who think too high of herself last year.It feels so funny how the older I get the more I feel like I don’t know anything.
My mind has been blown,and when it is blown it is open.And when it is open it will understand that an open minded person will never feel that they are open minded.Because if I do feel I am already open minded I will stop opening my mind to those infinite possibilities out there that don’t fit my standard of ‘open-mindedness’ and by doing so,indeed I am already being the same with the closed minded people I usually mock.
This is getting confusing and I am already tired.Just please pray for me so that I can escape this life in a nutshell.I am bored of living in my crazy hormonal fluctuation,daily hectic but boring uni lyfe,and my close-mindedness.I don’t want to live this way anymore.I need changes.I need a miracle.
PS: watched that video last week and it is so inspiring.