20


I am hella scared. This age finally came. I am not a teenager anymore. Adulting is hard and it becomes more and more real everyday. I don’t know what to write now because I am so sleepy. I have been sleep deprived this week due to finishing RPO and many Uni assignments. I screw up a lot this week and I think this week is the week I cried myself to sleep the most. I haven’t cried since long time ago it feels weird.
Things to be thankful today:
1. Roti goreng hangat
2. Eleanor and Park
3. Camomile Sheet mask
4. I finally can sleep after this

Bye! Hopefully I can learn how to be professional, gather my shits together, and life will get better soon.

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What Love and Life Mean to Me?

l just watched my first anime ever. It was Spirited Away by Ghibli production. I feel like I have been underestimating anime too much. Spirited Away was so good! I mean of course its graphic picture is not as good as Disney, but storywise it was wonderful! I really like the characters and plot, imagination and world building, and most importantly the values it contains. I watched this movie at the first place because Flo had recommended it to me since long time ago. Anas also confirmed that it was good and so do those reviews I read online. I also recommend it to all of you by the way!
This movie teach me a lot of things about life. For example, the evil witch takes Chihiro’s name so that she will forget completely about it one day. This is how the witch control her people. She takes their identity until they forget who they really are and then they will work for her for the rest of their lives without questioning anything anymore. I feel like this is what happens in our lives most of the time. The society, people’s expectations, our boring routines, the jobs we hate. All of them take our names and make us forget about our identity. We then keep on working for the evil witch of our lives (boring jobs, living up people’s expectations) for the rest of our lives until at the end of the day we forget who we truly are. I am kinda sad thinking about this. I wonder who my actual name is? Did my evil witch had taken it from me years ago? Given me a new name to believe in? I wonder if I will ever found my truest self anymore. Or what if even my truest self? This train of questions lead me back to the same question over and over again: is it me creating my life or my life that is creating me?
Haku and Chihiro relationship also makes me think about love. This is a taboo topic to me. I don’t talk much about love, and admit that I actually don’t feel comfortable thinking about it. I think Haku and Chihiro loves each other in the best way. They free each other instead of holding each other back. Chihiro freed Haku from Zibaba’s spell and Haku freed Chihiro and her parents from the evil witch’s bath house at the end of the story. They don’t ended up together. Love doesn’t always bring people back together, it is supposed to free people. The make people the best version of themselves. I am not a wiseman and I don’t have any romantic experience so I can’t talk much about this, but here is what I think:
When I was 3 I thought love is a kind of magical power that can make dead girls come back to life. Blame all those Disney Princess stories for this.
When I was 9 I thought love is the kind of feeling I have for my best friend. The feeling of not wanting to be separated. The feeling of belonging to another human being.
When I was 12 I thought love is the kind of feeling when I can’t stop thinking about a gigantic boy sitting next to me in mandarin class.
When I was 14 I thought love is those butterflies in my stomach everytime any guy made an attempt to get my attention in school.
When I was 16 I thought I have found my first love.
when I was 17 my heart broke and I thought that love is unreal, useless
When I was 18 I thought I was already wise enough to know that no one will stay forever so that I have to learn to be alone, but then I let myself to be broken once again. This time it was me who left, but it hurt me the same way anyway.
And now when I was 19, I question everything again and again. Is love means letting myself to break free? Or letting someone else go? Or sacrificing myself for the good of others?
I don’t know and I am too tired to think about this. Good bye! I have to logged out before I have another anxiety attack!

Thank you 2018, next please!

2018 is nearly ended. This year I have had some new experiences that have helped me changed into a better person hopefully. I have learned a lot from slaying Pekan Sadar Politik this year. I learned how to deal with people, to work in team, and most importantly to trust others.
I also feel like I have been more productive during the second half of 2018. I was so active in uni activities and worked hard in most of my classes. I also worked part time as a math tutor since this August so yeah, I am basically satisfied enough with my achievements this year although of course I still hope to achieve more and better.
I want to join more competition and looking for a freelance job. I am really looking forward to being a freelance writer. Any recommendation??

I want to produce more good quality writings like Cania’s

So here are the lessons 2018 has taught me:
1. Opportunity only comes once, do not waste it!
2. Good things don’t come to you by themselves, you have to start looking for them and fight for them and they will show up later
3. Do your job professionally, even when you don’t like it
4. Treat people the way you want to be treated
5. Emotional support is important for a team to be able to work well for a long time
6. Don’t push yourself off your limits. Take a break before you break down into pieces.
7. My immune system is so shitty, I have to start working out next year.
8. It is okay to not know the answers sometimes. Certain things are better left as mysteries
9. It is okay not to be in control all the time
10. Our lives are made up of thousands of little events. Taking small steps by small steps is the best way to walk the journey of life.

2019 Resolutions:
1. Back to exercise. At least once a week! I am planning to go back to my yoga routine like when I was in 11 grade back then.
2. Be healthier! I got sick a lot in 2018 and I want a change. I need to eat healthy food more, limit my junk food and sugar intake, exercise regularly, and have decent sleep everyday.
3. Manage my time better. I have done quite well in semester 3 and I want to improve in 2019.
4. Work as a freelance writer
5. Keep my job as a math tutor
6. Join exchange program and study abroad in semester 5 or 6
7. Join more competitions especially essay, LKTI, and probably one or two debate competition.
8. Start learning about stock and basic econs
9. Finish more non-fiction books (rich dad poor dad, the selfish gene as a start)
10. Pay more attention to my skin! I want to allocate more time and money for my skin care since I have been neglecting it theses past 4 months.
11. Be nicer to my family and friends because I feel bad for them who have to deal with me and my awful habits and absurdities 24/7
12. Having a roadtrip with my friends
13. Learn how to love
14. Allocate time in a week for writing, drawing, learning Adobe Illustrator, and things I truly love.
15. Allocate time each day to read books
16. Start reading the news regularly (every morning if possible)
17. Overthinking less and worry less about my future, focusing more to what I can actually do in present time instead of worrying about the infinite, unpredictable future
18. Make friend with at least 1 Petramate exchange student this semester
19. Learn how to be loved
20. Stop envying other people and comparing myself to my friends. I should learn how to be happy for them and be grateful for what I have at the moment

So, good bye 2018 thank you for everything, next please! 🙂

No Spirit

found this on ce Ory’s story today and this hit me hard

I found answers at the least expect-able moment. Answers to those big things. Big question marks that haunt me day and night since I can remember. And these days these questions have been narrowed into this two big question:
1. What is wrong with me so that I can not be happy?
2. What should I do to save myself from this endless pit of sadness and fear?

And I found the answers today. It is my spirit that I have lost. Almost completely. On the previous story, ce Ory was asked by the grab driver “Have you ever felt so happy and satisfied for accomplishing something simple?” and she answered “Yes, like after I lifted a gallon of water!” This sentence made me stop breathing. Crying silently inside my chest. This is it. This is what I have lost. These days nothing can make me happy or satisfied anymore. when I was in Junior High, little things such as the pretty evening skies or daisies can make me happy already. It makes me feel grateful of life, but now I rarely feel like that anymore. I feel completely numb.
When I was in high school I remember cheering over candy bar and potato crisp Verren bought me from Singapore. I remember I wrote about it here, you still can find it if you dig deep enough through this blog.
Now I have lost that feeling. I can not smile from ear to ear just because somebody buy me a bar of chocolate or even a bouquet of flowers. I don’t know why and since when I have evolved into this kind of human being, but by the time I finally realized this I guess everything is too late already.

Tomorrow I will be back to school, but I will skip my morning class. My stomach still feels weird today even though it is not that bad anymore.

Several days ago, Rachel post some snapgram and the content kinda surprise me.

This is completely normal cel this is how I have spent my life 🙂

So apparently she also has been struggling with her own existential crisis, huh? This is kinda surprising because she was not the kind of person I would expect to be having existential crisis. I mean seriously if it was Cindy or Enha I wouldn’t be surprised, but this is Rachel! She is the kind of girl who always makes other people laugh, shinny, and bubbly, and I didn’t expect her going through a dark phase of her life right now.

No one have it easy I get it, everybody is struggling their own fight. This thought makes me feel better because hey, at least I am not alone.

Note to myself: I will try to appreciate little things again. I will consciously seek for the beauty life has surround me with. Wish me luck!
PS: I stop posting stories to my instagram because there are many of my friends who actually really view my stories and somehow it hinders me from writing something more personal there. I really love this blog it is so deserted and lonely and I lovee it! ❤

Private

I am a very private person and I think this was the actual problem in my life. I hate talking to people and I am not a very good public speaker. I can do public speaking if I have to, but I don’t do it naturally. I have to practice a LOT before doing a presentation until I COULDN’T make mistakes. So, I can overcome this problem in my professional life, but obviously not in my personal life.
I hold grudges and anger inside. I hide love and emotion and desires inside. If you cut open my heart and mind, they will explode with thick, dark, smelly liquid full of hatred and unspoken anger. Fossilized feelings.
The only way for me to pour out my emotions, tears, and blood is actually through writing. That was the first reason why this blog exist at the first place.
But, after being in Uni for almost 1,5 years and after I had had enough papers to write, I also started getting tired of writing and thus abandoning this blog. As a result, I lost my only place to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I stopped pouring emotions into words because it is too, is getting tiring as all of my lecturers already made me do it as my duty. I think this is the only reason why I regret entering my major. I should have taken something that requires me to calculate everyday instead of writing everyday so that I still can find writing as therapeutic instead of stressful.
Okay, so what happened this week?
I got hospitalized because my potassium level dropped drastically to to severe dehydration.
I had a quite hectic mid-term week along with the preparation for Pekan Politik I should take care of. I got too tired but still insisted on going swimming last Sunday. I had stomachache and diarrhea the next day. That evening my muscles, including respiratory muscle got a really bad cramp and tremor. I have never been that scared my whole life. I thought that this is it. Finally it is coming. I am going to die. Well, I know I am going to die anyway but still I never thought that ‘this’ is how it feels. To see your life being cut off suddenly. Well I didn’t die that day ofc or else you won’t see this post. But this whole new experience gave me a brand new thing to be thought over and over again.
What came to my mind at that freaking terrifying moment was that- where will I go after this? Is heaven and hell real? If they do exist, to which one I will go right into?
I am scared of what will come. I am scared of everything in my future. I surround myself with so many successful people I feel myself as a failure. I am scared that I am not good enough. I am scared that one day I will end up only as a mediocre. I am scared that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not graceful enough to be somebody. I am scared I will disappoint myself.
I work hard until I got sick. I work like crazy from down to dusk to avoid thinking about the reality, about my fear, and my future. I work like a horse because I have insecurities and anxiety attacks. My stomach is twitching while writing this. I am scared and I can not relax, I can not lay back. I really need a spiritual help. I really do.

this is me being hospitalized

bonus photo of me and Claire at Grahadi. Friday before I got hospitalized.

Zombie

I am overwhelmed with sadness. I was sick last week so that I couldn’t leave my house for the whole weekend. I am still not feeling 100% okay now and to make it worse I am having a very weird sadness attack. I know maybe this is just because of my hormonal flux like the usual, but sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to cope with this every month. I am tired of being sad. Sad, quiet, and exhausted. It feels like I am a zombie and I didn’t have a life anymore.
A lot of things had happened since the last time I logged into here, but it is impossible to write it all. Too much to catch up and I don’t even have the energy to blabber anymore.
Life has been so hectic, I hope I can control it and don’t get sick often.
Bye!

Persma 2017/2018

This year has been so hectic and crazy, yet it was still a blast. Time flies so fast I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first applied to online reporter department at Pers Mahasiswa. I have always secretly wanted to be an investigative journalist and this is the reason why I decided to join at that time. I have learned a lot of things from this student organization. My socializing skill has improved in an amazing degree. I was way more socially awkward a year ago I guess. Being a reporter I have to face different kinds of people everyday, looking for information from strangers, interviewing important figures such as famous businessmen and politicians. I have to admit that I enjoy doing my job at this department even though sometimes life gets so hectic I can’t breath. I have said it here over and over again like a broken record that I sometimes get so tired of writing. This is the main reason why this blog is being dilapidated for a long time. When I was in high school, writing was my therapeutic escape while now I have it as my main obligation. After hours of cramming in front of my computer typing 3 essays and 2 articles I really don’t feel like logging into here to write my pointless rambles. However I decided not to continue next year because I join University Students Executive Board in Nationalism Department. The real reason why I join this department is mainly because next year my country will be conducting president election and I have concern for my generation’s lacking in political education. I have a lot to say about this but I think I will write it later in a separate entry. Here let me just dedicate this entry for all of my co-workers and friends in Persma 2017/2018 who have been a family for me during this year, my hard first year of uni life lol.

Day 2 Rakhir When People were standing close around the firewood. I’ll never forget this moment tho.

Bang Yer was about to open his present from Persma 2017/2018

my seniors ❤

Day 3 Running Man Games lol

Me and Bang Yer

Rakhir Committee : )

Online Reporter Department : )

PERS MAHASISWA UK PETRA 2017/2018 Thanks for all the moments we have been through together this year!

So yeah I have just finished a beautiful chapter of my life and I am looking forward for more moments and experiences in the future! Thank you Persma 2017/2018!

PS: If you want to read my writings for Persma just click on this link gentapetra

End Of Existential Crisis- When Will It Come?

I feel like I am living in the middle of crisis almost my whole life. I always have to cope with anxiety I am really used to it anxiety is my friend. I am really tired of dealing with anxiety and depression. I swear being anxious and depressed drains all of my positive energy I could have saved for doinmg something bigger and more useful in my life. I don’t get it why I can’t be an optimistic person, always full of positive energy, a sunshine that radiates life to everyone everyday. I wonder if personality traits are actually totally genetics. Like you are born with it and you cannot change it no matter how, just the way you cannot change your skin color. I also wonder, how long will I have to deal with this? I am so so so exhausted of being negative. I want to change but I don’t know how to. Somebody please help me.

I just recovered from a really bad cold today. Last week actually was a super long holiday because of Idul Fitri but I couldn’t enjoy it at all. I was so sick I couldn’t even leave my bed. My head ached, my nose was so runny I ran out of tissue so easily I probably had cut down a whole forest hiks. This sickness makes me grateful for the good health I have everyday though.
I am currently struggling with some crazy stuffs that give me headaches days and nights. Anxiety eats me daily and I am scared as heck about all of the uncertainty I have in my life. My life feels like a crazy abnormal gamble full of impulsive decisions. I am scared but I don’t know how to make this better. I have been highly unproductive this semester. My grades are also not as good as last semester anymore I think, I don’t know. I wonder if I actually suffer a mental illness such as bipolar or borderline disorder. I mean people with bipolar disorder usually experience two phase in life the manic and depressed one? I think my life has been a constant pendulum of highly productive period (like last semester) followed by the most unproductive one (like this semester). But I ever take a test once and the result is negative. I don’t know I just wonder.

I mean peeps, I am totally fine I am not suicidal but I am always miserable that’s it. I want to find the truest inner peace but it seems like I have been looking for it since forever but never found. Never actually felt satisfied.

Okay so let’s just hope for the best! I hope this long crisis will end soon and I will see brighter days ahead! Bye!

this was taken a week ago lol i mean look at the contrast of the smiley emoji and my actual facial expression

Crazy Life

A LOT OF THINGS HAD HAPPENED.

The day after I logged in here (Saturday, May 12th 2018) there was churches bombing in my city. I live in Surabaya for those who are wondering. I went to Church that morning like what I usually do for these 19 years of life. The entrance door was closed. There wasn’t any sign there explaining what’s happening. I then just wandering outside like an idiot until a man came and told me,” No service today. Bombing everywhere this morning, right?” I never opened my phone or watched the news on Sunday Morning so obviously my mind went blank at that moment. I hadn’t heard it yet-the news about the bombing and everything.

What was actually happening here? No one knows. It can be just pure terrorism where a group of people with extreme radical belief actually want to kill themselves altogether with the-kafir (this is what they call people who have different belief from them) so that they can be accepted in heaven or kind of. Or it can actually be caused by several political reasons. The next presidential election is next year and bad shocking things usually happen before elections here in my country lol. There are HELLA LOT of speculations going on the media but I don’t give a fuck anymore. I feel like the older I get the more apathetic I become. I remember when I was still in the elementary school I read the news every single day and I watch the news on TV every night too! But now? LOL just keep the news headlines away from me they give me constant headaches and my stomach twitches every time I turn on the news on TV. The news scare me. They give me nosebleed!

We have been dwelling in a climate of fear for the whole week. Last Monday our Uni decided to dismiss class earlier since there was another bombing in a nearby police station at 8 AM that morning. I remember going to the computer lab trying to print out some of my paperwork while all of the staffs there were staring at the TV screen playing the video of the bombing happened few minutes ago in the same area with our campus building. For my whole freaking weird life living in this country, never once I experienced such terror. I was not afraid but I was very angry. I couldn’t have my reading class because of this bombing and this is not the first time in my life I feel my rights are being violated and I can do nothing about it. The atmosphere was suffocating. everybody was scared. I and a group of friends actually had already planned a birthday surprise for a friend who had just celebrated birthday few days before. The planned failed because a lot of my friends didn’t come to campus that day and because the ones who were in campus were to terrified to cross the street to buy the cake at the bakery. Once again I was VERY ANGRY. Nobody wants to live in this climate of fear, nobpdy but you can’t change things that already happened.

The 2 next day I attended a very amazing seminar. Seven famous politicians were invited to that seminar and it was so damn good. I lovee it. I skipped grammar and poetry but no regrets.

And then on Saturday here came the craziest news ever…

All of you must have known how much I love Dee as an author, about how much I lovee Supernova series. And this Saturday I am going to spend the whole weekend with her learning about creative writing!!! I am dying!!!!
So there was this announcement about workshop with Dee. We have to submit a short story and 10 chosen participant can join the workshop. I didn’t expect I can get in since I was in a hurry and not in the mood of writing when I finished my story but wtheck I AM SCREAMING.

You probably has heard this from my last post that my life has been so CRAZILY CRAZY these past weeks. I don’t what to feel. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad or angry. I just don’t know.

There is still a lot of thing I want to share here but I still have to finish an essay deadline and I am running out of time so byeee!!!!

I Am A Mess

I am a hurricane. I am a thunder. I am a big mess. I am a chaotic universe full of misery.

DON’T CRINGE HAHAH

There are a lot of things had happened since my last time writing here. My life in general has been so hectic and so chaotic. I have just been recovered from a quite severe mental broke down. Okay so here is my messed up life updates:
1. I am broke. My bank account is currently not in its best condition since I cannot teach a lot this semester due to my awful schedule.
2. I have to be careful with my grades. They are still A but not as good as I had in my last semester. Also I need to practice more for my writing class because the lecturer is a freaking perfectionist.
3. I need to mend my social life. These days I have this tendency to avoid any human beings. I locked myself up somewhere where nobody can find me. I feel like I don’t give a fuck anymore. I know this is very wrong. I mean I don’t want to grow up sad, broke, mean, indignant, and alone.
4. My love life is in its craziest phase ever. My whole I have never been in this situation. I broke ‘several hearts’ in less than 6 months time. this is crazy, like really crazy. Being a heart breaker is no fun at all, in fact you even also feel the same pain like when you are the one whose heart is broken. It is very pitiful when you see a guy crying or avoiding your eyes because his are full of hurt and disappointment.I feel like I can not breath and I feel so sorry but I cannot do anything to make him feel better.
5. My hormonal fluctuation is already getting better this week but still I have to be careful because last week during my period I was a HUGE piece of shit.
6. I was asked to be a photo model! Can you believe it?! Yes, my life is so crazy I can’t even understand. So there was this committee group I joined. The committee was looking for sponsorship for an event and then came this photographer saying that he was looking for models for his career porto. He chose 5 of the committee members and I am one of those chosen 5 can you EVEN BELIEVE THIS? I mean you all must have known how suck I am at taking photo. I have a very rigid and awkward body posture, especially when I am conscious that there is a camera right in front of me. All of my ‘worthy to post’ photos in instagram are mostly candid so yeaah you get what I mean right?

What happened next is that I feel extremely sorry for the photographer because everybody can tell that he was so frustrated in taking pictures of me. I spent the whole day wandering and posing around under the fucking bright-shinning sun. I feel like my whole body was melting and my soul was dying slowly, turning into smoke.

Oh but then after the photo-shoot I had a very very very nice birthday dinner with some very very very good companions. I met some seniors from our uni’s English Debate Society and they are all so fun and kind and super smart! I feel so belonged and comfortable I don’t know why. My orders were BBQ Baked Chicken and a cappucinno if you are wondering. Both tasted good.

Plus, if I want to look at the bright side, I think my being chosen as a photo model is a proof that nothing is impossible to happen in my life. I mean if 2 months ago somebody told me I was going to be a photo model I would have laughed so hard at it. So yeah if today I can be a photo model, I also can travel the world and go to Mars one day! Don’t laugh at me, I probably will be proven right one day.

7. I haven’t got any proper sleep this week because I have some essays and assignments deadlines. Last night by this time I was typing furiously over my keyboards finishing my Filsafat Agama transcript. The deadline was 12 AM yesterday.

8. I haven’t studied for Chinese exam next week. I also have morning make up class for Writing 1 this Monday arggghh.

9. I have to cut off my sugar and caffeine intake but it is very hard especially in this phase of life. Help me oh helpp. I am so tired of writing so let’s just let the pictures do the talking…

The old and new avengers lol

PS: Gotta go cook some ramen noodle because I am starving.