A Girl Under Construction


“The happiest people dont have the best of everything,they just make the best of everything.”-NN

I may have repeated this like a broken record before,that I may have obsessive compulsive disorder because I cant be normal when I love/hate something.And nowadays I have been obsessed to personality quiz.I dont know why but it really feels relieving to know that somebody out there understands you.Truth is 90% of what they usually say about me is so true like finding someone reading my mind out loud.On the other hand I that also makes me feel like “duh am I that predictable?”But nevermind,I will still read it tho lol.

I found out that some people from my real life actually read my entries because I never realize that my link is displayed on my instagram acc this whole time.So that’s it.Ive always been wondering how can they even know my url and now I feel so dumb.At first I feel paranoid.Knowing somebody from my real life reading something like this gives knots to my stomach because what would they think about me then?After seeing all of these??But then I realize if they actually really had read my entries here and somehow they are still sticking around me without judging me or making fun of me,then I should be grateful I have them in my life.They,after all,have proofed it that they will still support me and not judging me even after seeing my dark thoughts and weirdness.at first I also felt like my freedom is being violated because now since ive known that people i know read my entries i have to be more careful when I write,I cant anymore write furiously without thinking and ignoring every grammatical errors just because I dont care this blog is a ghost town so what.But now I realize that I also dont care.I can write what I want to write,that’s it.

Okay so holiday is almost over.Uni lyfe is about to begin by the end of Jul and I dont know why but I am not thrilled.When I graduated from Junior high,I honestly was expecting too much for high school.Because you know,high school is said to be “the most wonderful and exiting phase of academical study”.People start finding love,have their first kisses,first driving license,first being legal for alcohol drinking,and many more.What they dont tell me is that being in love involves being broken,is that being drunk could possibly makes a friend rambling out every secrets and truths you hope you will never know,is that the ‘exiting’part of high school is learning how to graph a parabola and reading a hemoglobin saturation graph.This is why,I learned my lesson,and dont set my expectation high this time.Uni will be uni.You will study your major and struggling with the workloads every night.I hope I will meet more good people,or at least I will be able to tolerate those whoever people I will meet.I am having enough of toxic relationships with human being and not interested in having some more for future deals.

I myself,consciously aware that I am (by any standards) not [yet] a good person.I am a sad person.I am a girl with bad habits and unstable emotion.I think too much.I am insensitive of other people’s feelings and I admit it that I’m lack in offering any emotional supports or even expressing my own emotion.I can feel highly emotional but I will never give you a single hint about it,I keep everything to myself.I dont share my thoughts and my emotion openly because I dont think people can understand.I cannot swim,cannot ride a bicycle (no kidding),and so many other things that I always want to learn but never have the chance.

I admit it that I am horribly limited and that I am still far far away from that “Miss Perfect” criteria.But cant you see that I am trying?Before logging in here I was practicing my neglected 10 fingers typing standards and every morning during hols I wake up at 6 am for driving lesson.I have boxing classes from time to time and do yoga every sunday evening.I do the dishes every night altho I dont really like it and I swear I am trying not to do it half-heartedly.And the most important thing is that I’m trying to be happy.I am trying to be positive because being miserable is tiring.I want to be a grateful person who can offer emotional supports to her friends,a girl who fast respond every chats and texts and emails instead of procrastinating them until something urgent happened.I try to improve my skills.This feels good but also mentally tiring me.For this moment I think I will still try my best doing this and keep everything on track but I dont know if I will break down or not.Let’s just see and hope for the best.

well said

PS:Currently reading Sycamore Row by John Grisham and it is so good so far,probably will write review soon ❤



12 Things You Need To Remember If You Are Struggling To Believe That You Will Ever Find Love

Don’t laugh!Don’t you even dare to have the ‘idea’ of laughing,okay?So,I’m basically writing this because people these days keep on bugging me with questions like this:
“Are you asexual?”or”Are you lesbian?”or even “What’s wrong with you?Are you normal?”

At first,I didn’t take this too personally but you know 她们接二连三的问提 finally succeed in ruining my inner peace.I think that’s why I start googling things like that article above and even doing “what my sexuality is quizzes”online.Of course I deleted all of my histories in my browser because how if somebody (read:my parents) find out??If I’m not mistaken I did a test on allthetests.com and do you know what it said about my sexuality?I got that big caps locked “YOUR RESULT IS CONFUSING” thingy popping up on my screen,cool.Hey allthetestsdotcom I went into your page at the first place because I was confused and I obviously dont need your approval.I am basically 50 % heterosexual,30 % pansexual,10% bisexual,10% asexual,and 0% homosexual.No wonder the algorithm was confused,heh?

People (including you girls in that photograph abovee) keep on asking me “Are you sure you never fall in love?”Then thanks God I found that article from thoughtcatalog.com ,go read it,I promise it is worth the length haha.My conclusion after reading that article is that nothing is WRONG with me.I’m 100% normal and healthy.Okay for those who always giving me nightmares by asking questions ive mentioned,chill world chill,I’m 18 not 38,okay.We are still so young,anything can happen in a very short amount of time.There is still hope.Some people maybe can find love at age 12,some at 16,some at 22,some at 30,who knows?I just go with the flow.I dont want to force myself or punishing myself with social judgement anymore I’m having enough of it.I want to live my life to its fullest potential,making friends as many as possible,both boys and girls,helping others,learning skills I always want to but never have the chance(boxing,swimming,riding a bike,playing baduk,10 fingers typing,you name it),or maybe even saving the world by reducing carbon monoxide production from my vehicle,or anything but stressing over problems and judgments society creates.

So my conclusion is that I write this post to clarify to all of you people that from the bottom of my heart I know I’m heterosexual,you cant be 100% in anything,start to see the world as hundred shades of grey instead of black and white,okay?Based on that casual online test,I maybe 50% hetero and 50% chaotic but hey some people who can confidently saying they are sure what their sexuality is may also get result as confusing as mine so dont judge.I’m not being sexist or something here,I absolutely respect people who are homosexual,pansexual,asexual,or sapiosexual.I don’t value people from their sexuality,what they owned,or what they believe in.I value you people from the way you interact with each other,the way you treat and respect other people with different backgrounds and mindsets.Here and now I only want to make it clear in what category I am in so that you won’t be confused anymore whenever I write something about human beings equality or kind of next time.I have to sleep now because driving lesson tomorrow will be at 6 in the morning byeee laf ya.

PS:That photo was taken at Gather Inc Cafe
Jalan Taman Puspa Raya Blok A2 No. 11, Made, Sambikerep, Kota SBY, Jawa Timur 60217
Food was pretty good but sorry I didnt manage to take any photo of them because I was hungry as heck
PPS: I recommend peanut butter and banana healthy bowl ,oh and pestapasta because they were soo good!!!

Rose Tinted Glass

Lessons learned this week:
1)I should move on from something I know for sure I dont wanna hold back or vice versa (dont want to hold me back) seriously
2)I should like really (immediately)stop seeing the world through rose tinted glass
3)Accept the reality although I dont like it at all
4)Don’t hope to high,yes I have to dream but don’t forget you are still living on earth not mars jo
5)Now I understand the idea of letting go and that all bitterness shall pass one day
6)Some people were really born assh*les so just detox them out from your life,moreover your heart
7)People who can hurt you the most are usually the ones who are close to you

I usually be that one friend you are looking for when you need advice.Any kind of advice,from how to graph a parabola,how glycolysis work,to several life advice like how do I live my life happily according to my own rules.But the table was finally turned these past few days.I was the one who asked for advice,the who cannot handle her own problems.I found myself desperately scrolling through my phone,looking for victims to be poured by my overwhelming emotion and ramblings.At one point I even found myself arranging a meet up,a face to face deep talk to relieve my anxiety and confusion.I luckily still managed to keep the emotional rage to myself and didnt end up crying or doing any other embarrassing things during the meet up.

This feels weird for me because usually I have never been an emotional person.I cover up really well.I mean yes I have bipolar mood swing inside me 24/7 but I never showed it to others.No one can tell how I feel just by looking at me because from the outside I am always so calm and cool headed.I hardly ever lost my temper in public because everytime I did,I did it here.I blog out my anger,like literary.But this time it is a different case.

Like I had mentioned before,I just got home from hols.Bali was so hype tho,I will never regret it.Late night talks(I enjoyed both deep and light),11 PM swimming (seriously),beach strolling on early mornings (this was mum idea),and everything everything.I swear I’m writing from my heart right now.So because of that,I thought when I got home I would be refresh and ready to live my life far happier than before.But is that what happened to me?Haha,no.Right after I got home I feel like a trash being thrown to hell.Of course I can easily blame my period for this but I know it was not just because of it.There is this problem that bothers my heart,eating up my energy and my clear mind became hazardous again.

In fact,I even couldnt get in here until today.I dont feel like I have the energy.Yesterday I watched Boss Baby and it was awful.The Pirates of Carribean(The Revenge of Salavar) is still far better.But sadly I couldnt get my fav caramel popcorn because I suddenly have cough and flu so sad.Maybe they are right,a confused mind will lead to a decrease in my immune system that’s explain everthing.I need my namaste now.

PS:speaking of namaste,i think should start yoga class again asap

Jika Tuhan Memang Sama

I found this poem almost one year ago from this link all credits go to her account.

Jika Tuhan Memang Sama

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita menunjuk salah
Orang berbeda agama?

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita membuat musnah
Orang berbeda doa?

Jika Tuhan memang sama
Haruskah kita bersusah payah
Menjadi Allah bagi sesama?

Sudah lama sekali rasanya,sejak saya terakhir menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia.Tepat dua hari yang lalu kita memperingati hari lahirnya Pancasila.Untuk pertama kalinya sepanjang ingatan saya,hari itu dijadikan hari libur nasional.Beberapa adik kelas saya malah masih juga harus menghadiri upacara bendera.Banyak yang mengomel tentu saja,namun sebelum kalian menggerutu lebih lanjut,coba pikirkan apakah peringatan ini memang sepenuhnya nonsense?Atau memang sesungguhnya perlu sekali untuk dirayakan setiap tahun?

If you reside in this country,saya percaya kalian semua sudah tahu kasus saling menista Tuhan antar sesama umat beragama di negri ini.Kasusnya rame ampun-ampunan sampai bosan saya dengernya.Nyalain TV ketemu kasus ini,pindah channel eh sama aja,nyalain radio sama aja,baca koran omg ketemu lagi.Nah gara-gara ini,saya jadi punya hipotesa(ingat ya hipotesa jadi cuma ilmu kira-kira aja ngga tau bener atau ngga) bahwa peringatan hari lahir pancasila tahun ini sampai diupacarakan segala untuk mengingatkan seluruh rakyat negri ini bahwa Indonesia dulunya dibangun atas dasar persatuan.Atas dasar Ketuhanan Yang MahaEsa,yang berarti Tuhannya Satu dan sama tanpa mempedulikan tetek bengek lainnya.Intinya kita sama-sama menyembah Sang Pencipta Alam Semesta,tanpa perlu meributkan sebutannya.

Saya sendiri sejak kecil bersekolah di Sekolah Dasar 5 agama.Di sana kami diajarkan bahwa di dunia ini hanya ada dua jenis orang yaitu orang jahat dan orang baik.Sisanya abaikan saja.Ras,warna kulit,agama,orientasi seksual,status ekonomi,status sosial,semua itu cuma embel-embel yang melekat pada jati diri manusia yang sesungguhnya yakni nilai luhur budi pekertinya.Mungkin karena ajarannya sudah seperti itu sejak kecil,sampai sekarang dalam berteman saya sama sekali tidak mempersoalkan hal-hal seperti itu.Mungkin karena hal itu pula saya bertumbuh menjadi pribadi yang sangat tidak suka dengan perilaku diskriminatif dalam hal apapun termasuk rasisme dan sexisme.

Perilaku diskriminatif yang saya maksud di sini bisa datang dari mana saja,baik kaum mayoritas maupun kaum minoritas.Saya jujur saja kurang suka juga dengan kaum minoritas yang mau mendukung politisi tertentu hanya dengan alasan warna kulit dan agamanya sama (kalian taulah politisi mana yang saya maksud) bukan karena kejujuran atau integritasnya.Fenomena yang terjadi di negara kita ini merupakan bukti nyata bahwa kaum minoritaspun ternyata juga diskriminatif.Contoh nyata lainnya,kali ini lebih real karena menyangkut personal life saya,ada seorang teman yang baru saja berpindah haluan agama.Sebut saja dari agama minoritas pindah ke agama mayoritas.You can guess what happen next?Yap si teman ini langsung digossipin habis-habisan di belakang punggungnya.Saya merasa teramat sangat miris.Sumpah. Hey if you are reading this(you know who you are)I still love you despite everything else!Intinya,saya cuma mau bilang bahwa baik mayoritas maupun minoritas semuanya sama-sama punya peluang untuk berperilaku diskriminatif,semua kembali kepada pribadi masing-masing lagi.Semua dari kita sama-sama masih harus belajar.Belajar untuk saling mengerti,untuk saling menerima.Buat apa susah payah memahami kalkulus dan trigonometri kalau memahami lingkungan sendiri saja tidak bisa??

Terakhir sebagai paragraf kesimpulan,saya ingin menekankan bahwa tak akan ada perilaku diskriminatif jika tak ada kebencian,dan tak akan ada kebencian tanpa ada keterpisahan.Jadi,saya berharap sebagai generasi baru dari bangsa ini,kita semua mampu mengembangkan jiwa toleransi dan hidup dalam rasa saling menghargai tanpa perlu saling menjadi hakim bagi sesama seperti yang telah disajakkan Adela pada puisi di atas.Tulisan ini saya buat setulus-tulusnya dari hati tanpa bermaksud menyakiti pihak manapun,so no hard feelings peeps!See ya!

true af

PS: this is my self mantra this week

Foolish Love

Hidup ini sederhana,manusianya yang rumit.Cinta tidak buta,manusianya yang mabuk.

There is a difference between making a mistake and repeating it over and over again.I should have known this long ago.All that I have ever had is just me myself.It’s true that it is kind of sucked if I myself is less than reliable but yeah whatever however it is still far better than trusting someone too much to just ended up being disappointed (again seriously what a fool I was).

I had give it a try but this is how it always ends.I’m tired of trying.I gave up.
I’m sorry this is not even a post and I dont know what else to write.I am in a mess now although I just got home from hols and hols was so good.Is this just my bipolar mood swing again?Or what again?

Special bonus: 38 Ways To Love Yourself


I have to make it straight before that this post is gonna be a little bit absurd.So,I had had this though long time ago and have been planning to write it for like 6 months but I never did it tho bcos I just dont feel like having the energy to explain my other absurd thought to the whole world.I have been thinking since so long that Rapunzel is actually an idiot being humiliated throughout mankind history.I wasn’t sure whether the Rapunzel story I have known since I was a kid is the original version or not that’s why I just googled it and read the classic original story of Rapunzel.It is basically the same with the one I was told years ago.The story itself sounds weird and wrong for me.What confused me is that nobody seems care about this,nobody realize that this story is silently has had a big contribution in building the wrong mindset of thousands little girls in this terrifying world.

First things first,if Rapunzel really had that magical hair which can be climbed by a prince and Mother Gothe,then why didn’t she escape from the tower long time ago?Why should wait for the prince?She could easily bind her super hair to the windowsill then jump right away to the ground before finally cut it to free herself.It is that simple.In my opinion,this fairytale indirectly tells little girls that the only way for them to be free,to finally can see the outside world,is to be married to a prince.And all they can do before that moment finally arrive is just waiting and singing inside the tower isolated in the woods!This is crazy because,cant you see the symbols used in this story?Waiting means waiting,in most cultures girls are the one who is being proposed not the other way round.She only can wait for a prince to finally propose her.Then,singing.This,for me,is a symbol of efforts girls do to attract the prince.In the story,the prince was attracted by Rapunzel’s dulcet voice at the first place.Yes,reaching this point you may think I have an absurd mind but since my mind has always been a dark paradise then whatever,deal with it please.This blog is my one and only friend to talk about things like this,things I definitely cant tell to my real human friends out there without being judged (again?!seriously?).

Second thing is,this story(and many other fairy tales) was made to make girls (even from super early age) believe that happiness means finding a prince to free them and to give them a castle and crowns,a way to be a princess is to be married to a prince (I see this as social upgrade in our era).Most of us dont see the hidden moral value of this story-Rapunzel had had her magical hair since she was born,the power itself,the power that can free her from her prison was actually already WITHIN HERSELF the whole time but problem is she never even tried to use it,the idea of escaping the tower without the prince help made nonsense to her,her mind is her limit.Just like our Science Club slogan “the sky is not the limit,the mind is”.Mindset is everything you know.Somebody can sacrifice his/her life for a suicide bomb because of mindset,because of her/his belief aka ideology.Minset is what actually moves people,motivates somebody to do or to not do something.Mindset is the most powerful weapon human beings can have.It is our belief that there must be a place in this universe resembles earth and this makes us continuing our research in aerospace and astronomy until we can actually achieve many space discoveries up to now.

I know that I should have used my energy to think about something more important rather than criticizing a fairytale,something like what should I do with my life or what should I do to stop global warming or to save the environment maybe,but truth is I cant help myself.My thought is a wild monster living inside me,eating me whole,it is also pitiless sometimes especially when it comes to criticizing my own life,my own works,and achievements and then I (most of the time) will end up depressed then start rambling here again.Like now.Hah.Back to topic,so my point is as a reader we have to be filter not sponge,because what we read (or what we are told,in this case) subconsciously will affect our mindset,our point of view.A person who only reads books from one radical side without never even had a glance on books from the other point of view,will end up being a closed minded radical maniac.We should keep our mind open by minimal-izing our prejudice to everything.We have to be careful too because little things like stories we heard when we were six somehow actually have a big impact to our current mindset.Stories like Rapunzel however is lovely to hear,everybody loves it but please remember that everything lovely is usually poisonous inside.I myself have a strong belief that this story has the responsibility of sexism in this modern era.Sometimes sexism doesnt come from the opposing sex,the prince is not always the one who humiliates women,sometimes it is the woman who chooses her own destiny to be humiliated,to be seen as an imbicile trapped in an isolated tower,she chooses to not use her super magical hair and wait for her prince helplessly (Oh did i forget to mention that she chooses to sing like a paranoid nightangle inside her cage?)#pardonmysarcasm

My conclusion of my own rambling is this-the power is already within you,use your brain girls,don’t let anyone or anything control your own life.laf ya!<3

not everything nice is good for you 😉

PS:today was awful.I feel so angry because I realized that I cant even control my own life,I cant do what I actually freaking want to do because everybody feels like they have the right to control me,the society,even my own family and friends whom think they are helping when actually they are mentally torturing me,I’m so angry thats explain my ridiculously long speech today in this blog
PPS:graduation is over,I’m finally officially leaving school and I choose not to think about this because there are enough stuffs for me to stressed about right now,enough anger for me to control,I dont have the energy for another extra bonus stressful thing to think about

*photos will soon be attached to another post,i dont want to ruin this writing with my personal stuff (i seems like i cannot blog things that is not about my life even in this one i still found myself typing this PS and PPS)
** just read this post before I logged in here I promise this one is worth to read,just click in this sentence.


hola flo!

So many things happened this week:
1)I learnt that kick boxing is an alternative to have serotonin dope.I feel a rush of adrenaline and serotonin the whole night of my first kick boxing session.
2)Do you ever wonder how it feel to be me?Ha!Just imagine you wake up everyday without any idea of what kind of shitty moods your hormone fluctuation is up to today.I experience sudden urge of anger,sudden urge to cry,an inevitable desire to sleep all day or just staying in a foul mood for nearly 3 days straight.wtheck.
3)Prom was finally over last night and it was hilariously empty.It never crossed my mind before that it can actually be that empty.I mean I already knew that many students wont come but I didnt expect that there would be only 4 people from an entire science class.lol.I had had the feeling that there would be more social students there and I was right.70% of the students were social students.

Do you wonder what on earth made me buying the prom ticket?You all know how I hate parties and social gatherings.That’s right but this time I want to give it a try for the last time.I thought this wasn’t a bad idea.Prom may not be the best night of my life but I should come,shouldn’t I?

The ceremonial party was so good.We all went outdoor,we were literary standing at the roof because the ballroom is on the third floor and lets just say that there isnt any patio or verandah out there.Then the Event Organizer gave us colorful balloons with our wishes being glued on them.After counting down from 3 to 1 we let our balloons fly to the dark night sky,together with the wishes and the crowds’ cheers.My balloon was green.With a wish from a former classmate sticking there.Gwenn,hey,if you are somehow reading this,I got yours!

The rest of the party was stupid tho.I feel like we were a bunch of idiots wearing colorful masks and torturing costumes,wandering around,smiling here and there,faking so much happiness,etc.Disco time wasnt so hype.The food was ( thanks God) quite good and satisfying.What else I can say?Uhm oh,Pini was of course the prom queen.With all that glittery yellow gown,she looked awfully stunning.Yes,I have to admit it,you have a good taste of style,Pin.

I dont know what else to say so I will let the pictures do the talking…

Nah,ridiculous mask!

the entry ticket lol

I still cant believe that high school is really over.Tomorrow will be graduation and that means we will be officially leaving school.This feels weird and wrong.I dont know.I think I have to go to bed now if I dont want to be in another shitty mood during the ceremony tomorrow morning.So,see ya on top!!!

Rocking Chair

*You have to read the whole post to understand the post title lol
I promise,like my other posts this one is also a pointless one,I write it just to release my anxiety,have told you like a broken record before:this blog keeps me sane

I want to have the purpose of my life back.I want to feel love again.I don’t know what to say more about my life.Day by day passed.I have tried cleaning my room,sort out my life,but yeah that’s all.I still can’t calm my nerve down.Anxiety creeps around,whispering things that keep you awake at nights ugh.My biggest problem now is figuring out what is my life purpose and how can I achieve it.I read a post from Kat’s blog weeks ago that says I should just follow my passion because it will lead me to my purpose.I am pretty sure what my passion is or what I actually want to do.What is hard here now is I cant ignore others’ talks behind my back,those secretive eye rolls they think I dont see but of course I do whenever I tell them about my future plan.I know that I don’t pick an ordinary way like the others,I have freak dreams and plan,I don’t follow society rules about how should I live my OWN life.Sometimes you know,when I feel highly motivated like today I can feel secure,I know that everything will be okay,everything will.Thing is,most of the time,I spend my whole day wondering how if this won’t work out,how if I fail,how if they are right?

I don’t know how to response to my own negativity.That saying is right : Anxiety is like a rocking chair,it gives you something to do,but it doesn’t move you anywhere.Last night a had a deep talk chat with one of my friends.It is so relieving to be honest,to finally have someone to share your mind with,to have someone who understands.It is even more relieving to know that I am not the only one who is worried with what will happen,what will I do in the future.I think everybody is highly anxious now.We were told once that adulthood is something amazing.It is where all your dreams come true,where you can be anything you want to.Growing up,for me,is the process of figuring out what door hasn’t been slammed in front of me.All of us finally know that we can’t be pretty or smart or genius or rich just because we want it.I feel the need to stress this more you can’t be anything but yourself it is what you actually ever truly have in your life.Friends leave,family members hurt each other,parents divorce,acquaintances forget your name a month after you meet them although they have your name everywhere in their social media screen.You can’t ask people to love you,you can’t ask them to stay just because you want them to stay.

I watched this movie-Fast and Furious 8 a week ago with Gaby and Momo.There is one line spoken by Cipher that caught my attention.She said something about the theory of choice.There are 2 rules in this theory:
1.The only human behavior you can change is your OWN behavior
2.All we can do to others is just giving them information.
I think this is freaking true.Companies can make advertisements contain information to persuade you buying this product,but it is up to you to buy it or not,it’s your choice.They can’t interfere with it.This,reminds me of people too.You can give them information about yourself,but it is up to them whether they want to be your friend or not,whether they want to date you or just playing with your feelings,it is up to them.It is also up to you whether you want to be played or not,to be kind or not to them.Human beings have that freedom to choose how they will react,how they will live their life.It is society demands and labels that make all of this complicated.Last night in that chat I have mentioned before we discussed about labels in our society,about the role of women and men that somehow feels unfair for both sides.Now,even writing this makes me confused,I refused to be confused again so bye!Perhaps I will continue on the other post.Hey,I didn’t promise,I said perhaps.Haha.See you peeps!


Kill me now!It’s all over.I finished exams last Thursday and for these past 3 days,what have I done?Absolutely Nothing,Yay!I’m tired and empty,I’m a disorganize person you all know that.I actually want to start sorting my life and clean my room,start a healthier habit,etc but I found myself so tired I feel like my body is breaking apart so does my soul.I had an online personality quiz a few days ago and I was quite satisfied with the result because it suits me so well.I will give you the detailed information next time because now I’m just not in the mood of doing anything productive.I will go back to sleep as soon as I finished this article Oh please this is not even a paragraph!Bye!!

PS:reading my personality test results give me a relief,it feels like somebody out there finally gets how it feels,somebody out there understands me,and knowing that you are ‘normal’ for doing all the weird things you usually do because that’s people with that kind of personality usually do.


What I learnt this week:
1)It is actually not hard for me to make the decision itself,what is hard is to keep it going without being influenced by others’ judgments,society judge and people will never stop judging you know.
2)I know what I want,deep in my heart,what is hard is to believe that I can achieve what I want
3)When things are all so hectic,you hardly feel exhausted,but when everything is finally cooling down,you just realized how tired you actually are.

I’m mentally tired and I can’t believe I have to face another weeks of exams.Sometimes,you know,certain days in your life can be ridiculously awful.Everything is simply not in the right order.Everything feels wrong.My moodswing these days is being a bipolar pendulum and I am freaking tired of it.I’m breaking apart,I don’t know what to say anymore.I’m just somehow so terrified that everything is going to end soon and I don’t know what to do with my life.I’m pretty sure about what I’d love to do or what I want to do in my life but I don’t know how to achieve it and I’m not even trying to think about it now because from my experience I know that we can map out our plans and life into its details but none of it will actually go as expected.Overthinking is killing me now but for your information,it is also so HARD for me to just go with the flow,to just let it be.Help.

this is my last attempts to feel better about my life:
1)Finally you don’t have to do chem and phys anymore,only bio left
2)At least you can full fill your new year resolution to gracefully make your own decision,be your own kind of successful without worrying people judgments *ugh yes I survived although it is not easy at all*This is your life,do what you want to do,they will always judge you no matter what you do,I have learnt my lesson.

Want to know what?My instagram save is currently full of my want to read books and pictures I want to draw but never did because of too little time,oh and make ups products to order online as soon as possible (I’m not broke but I hate spontaneous spends okay)Oh and pretty little liars end game is finally out but still I dont have time to catch up Im still in season2.