Foolish Love

Hidup ini sederhana,manusianya yang rumit.Cinta tidak buta,manusianya yang mabuk.

There is a difference between making a mistake and repeating it over and over again.I should have known this long ago.All that I have ever had is just me myself.It’s true that it is kind of sucked if I myself is less than reliable but yeah whatever however it is still far better than trusting someone too much to just ended up being disappointed (again seriously what a fool I was).

I had give it a try but this is how it always ends.I’m tired of trying.I gave up.
I’m sorry this is not even a post and I dont know what else to write.I am in a mess now although I just got home from hols and hols was so good.Is this just my bipolar mood swing again?Or what again?

Special bonus: 38 Ways To Love Yourself

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Rapunzel

I have to make it straight before that this post is gonna be a little bit absurd.So,I had had this though long time ago and have been planning to write it for like 6 months but I never did it tho bcos I just dont feel like having the energy to explain my other absurd thought to the whole world.I have been thinking since so long that Rapunzel is actually an idiot being humiliated throughout mankind history.I wasn’t sure whether the Rapunzel story I have known since I was a kid is the original version or not that’s why I just googled it and read the classic original story of Rapunzel.It is basically the same with the one I was told years ago.The story itself sounds weird and wrong for me.What confused me is that nobody seems care about this,nobody realize that this story is silently has had a big contribution in building the wrong mindset of thousands little girls in this terrifying world.

First things first,if Rapunzel really had that magical hair which can be climbed by a prince and Mother Gothe,then why didn’t she escape from the tower long time ago?Why should wait for the prince?She could easily bind her super hair to the windowsill then jump right away to the ground before finally cut it to free herself.It is that simple.In my opinion,this fairytale indirectly tells little girls that the only way for them to be free,to finally can see the outside world,is to be married to a prince.And all they can do before that moment finally arrive is just waiting and singing inside the tower isolated in the woods!This is crazy because,cant you see the symbols used in this story?Waiting means waiting,in most cultures girls are the one who is being proposed not the other way round.She only can wait for a prince to finally propose her.Then,singing.This,for me,is a symbol of efforts girls do to attract the prince.In the story,the prince was attracted by Rapunzel’s dulcet voice at the first place.Yes,reaching this point you may think I have an absurd mind but since my mind has always been a dark paradise then whatever,deal with it please.This blog is my one and only friend to talk about things like this,things I definitely cant tell to my real human friends out there without being judged (again?!seriously?).

Second thing is,this story(and many other fairy tales) was made to make girls (even from super early age) believe that happiness means finding a prince to free them and to give them a castle and crowns,a way to be a princess is to be married to a prince (I see this as social upgrade in our era).Most of us dont see the hidden moral value of this story-Rapunzel had had her magical hair since she was born,the power itself,the power that can free her from her prison was actually already WITHIN HERSELF the whole time but problem is she never even tried to use it,the idea of escaping the tower without the prince help made nonsense to her,her mind is her limit.Just like our Science Club slogan “the sky is not the limit,the mind is”.Mindset is everything you know.Somebody can sacrifice his/her life for a suicide bomb because of mindset,because of her/his belief aka ideology.Minset is what actually moves people,motivates somebody to do or to not do something.Mindset is the most powerful weapon human beings can have.It is our belief that there must be a place in this universe resembles earth and this makes us continuing our research in aerospace and astronomy until we can actually achieve many space discoveries up to now.

I know that I should have used my energy to think about something more important rather than criticizing a fairytale,something like what should I do with my life or what should I do to stop global warming or to save the environment maybe,but truth is I cant help myself.My thought is a wild monster living inside me,eating me whole,it is also pitiless sometimes especially when it comes to criticizing my own life,my own works,and achievements and then I (most of the time) will end up depressed then start rambling here again.Like now.Hah.Back to topic,so my point is as a reader we have to be filter not sponge,because what we read (or what we are told,in this case) subconsciously will affect our mindset,our point of view.A person who only reads books from one radical side without never even had a glance on books from the other point of view,will end up being a closed minded radical maniac.We should keep our mind open by minimal-izing our prejudice to everything.We have to be careful too because little things like stories we heard when we were six somehow actually have a big impact to our current mindset.Stories like Rapunzel however is lovely to hear,everybody loves it but please remember that everything lovely is usually poisonous inside.I myself have a strong belief that this story has the responsibility of sexism in this modern era.Sometimes sexism doesnt come from the opposing sex,the prince is not always the one who humiliates women,sometimes it is the woman who chooses her own destiny to be humiliated,to be seen as an imbicile trapped in an isolated tower,she chooses to not use her super magical hair and wait for her prince helplessly (Oh did i forget to mention that she chooses to sing like a paranoid nightangle inside her cage?)#pardonmysarcasm

My conclusion of my own rambling is this-the power is already within you,use your brain girls,don’t let anyone or anything control your own life.laf ya!<3

not everything nice is good for you 😉

PS:today was awful.I feel so angry because I realized that I cant even control my own life,I cant do what I actually freaking want to do because everybody feels like they have the right to control me,the society,even my own family and friends whom think they are helping when actually they are mentally torturing me,I’m so angry thats explain my ridiculously long speech today in this blog
PPS:graduation is over,I’m finally officially leaving school and I choose not to think about this because there are enough stuffs for me to stressed about right now,enough anger for me to control,I dont have the energy for another extra bonus stressful thing to think about

*photos will soon be attached to another post,i dont want to ruin this writing with my personal stuff (i seems like i cannot blog things that is not about my life even in this one i still found myself typing this PS and PPS)
** just read this post before I logged in here I promise this one is worth to read,just click in this sentence.

Prom

hola flo!

So many things happened this week:
1)I learnt that kick boxing is an alternative to have serotonin dope.I feel a rush of adrenaline and serotonin the whole night of my first kick boxing session.
2)Do you ever wonder how it feel to be me?Ha!Just imagine you wake up everyday without any idea of what kind of shitty moods your hormone fluctuation is up to today.I experience sudden urge of anger,sudden urge to cry,an inevitable desire to sleep all day or just staying in a foul mood for nearly 3 days straight.wtheck.
3)Prom was finally over last night and it was hilariously empty.It never crossed my mind before that it can actually be that empty.I mean I already knew that many students wont come but I didnt expect that there would be only 4 people from an entire science class.lol.I had had the feeling that there would be more social students there and I was right.70% of the students were social students.

Do you wonder what on earth made me buying the prom ticket?You all know how I hate parties and social gatherings.That’s right but this time I want to give it a try for the last time.I thought this wasn’t a bad idea.Prom may not be the best night of my life but I should come,shouldn’t I?

The ceremonial party was so good.We all went outdoor,we were literary standing at the roof because the ballroom is on the third floor and lets just say that there isnt any patio or verandah out there.Then the Event Organizer gave us colorful balloons with our wishes being glued on them.After counting down from 3 to 1 we let our balloons fly to the dark night sky,together with the wishes and the crowds’ cheers.My balloon was green.With a wish from a former classmate sticking there.Gwenn,hey,if you are somehow reading this,I got yours!

The rest of the party was stupid tho.I feel like we were a bunch of idiots wearing colorful masks and torturing costumes,wandering around,smiling here and there,faking so much happiness,etc.Disco time wasnt so hype.The food was ( thanks God) quite good and satisfying.What else I can say?Uhm oh,Pini was of course the prom queen.With all that glittery yellow gown,she looked awfully stunning.Yes,I have to admit it,you have a good taste of style,Pin.

I dont know what else to say so I will let the pictures do the talking…

Nah,ridiculous mask!

the entry ticket lol

I still cant believe that high school is really over.Tomorrow will be graduation and that means we will be officially leaving school.This feels weird and wrong.I dont know.I think I have to go to bed now if I dont want to be in another shitty mood during the ceremony tomorrow morning.So,see ya on top!!!

Rocking Chair

*You have to read the whole post to understand the post title lol
I promise,like my other posts this one is also a pointless one,I write it just to release my anxiety,have told you like a broken record before:this blog keeps me sane

I want to have the purpose of my life back.I want to feel love again.I don’t know what to say more about my life.Day by day passed.I have tried cleaning my room,sort out my life,but yeah that’s all.I still can’t calm my nerve down.Anxiety creeps around,whispering things that keep you awake at nights ugh.My biggest problem now is figuring out what is my life purpose and how can I achieve it.I read a post from Kat’s blog weeks ago that says I should just follow my passion because it will lead me to my purpose.I am pretty sure what my passion is or what I actually want to do.What is hard here now is I cant ignore others’ talks behind my back,those secretive eye rolls they think I dont see but of course I do whenever I tell them about my future plan.I know that I don’t pick an ordinary way like the others,I have freak dreams and plan,I don’t follow society rules about how should I live my OWN life.Sometimes you know,when I feel highly motivated like today I can feel secure,I know that everything will be okay,everything will.Thing is,most of the time,I spend my whole day wondering how if this won’t work out,how if I fail,how if they are right?

I don’t know how to response to my own negativity.That saying is right : Anxiety is like a rocking chair,it gives you something to do,but it doesn’t move you anywhere.Last night a had a deep talk chat with one of my friends.It is so relieving to be honest,to finally have someone to share your mind with,to have someone who understands.It is even more relieving to know that I am not the only one who is worried with what will happen,what will I do in the future.I think everybody is highly anxious now.We were told once that adulthood is something amazing.It is where all your dreams come true,where you can be anything you want to.Growing up,for me,is the process of figuring out what door hasn’t been slammed in front of me.All of us finally know that we can’t be pretty or smart or genius or rich just because we want it.I feel the need to stress this more you can’t be anything but yourself it is what you actually ever truly have in your life.Friends leave,family members hurt each other,parents divorce,acquaintances forget your name a month after you meet them although they have your name everywhere in their social media screen.You can’t ask people to love you,you can’t ask them to stay just because you want them to stay.

I watched this movie-Fast and Furious 8 a week ago with Gaby and Momo.There is one line spoken by Cipher that caught my attention.She said something about the theory of choice.There are 2 rules in this theory:
1.The only human behavior you can change is your OWN behavior
2.All we can do to others is just giving them information.
I think this is freaking true.Companies can make advertisements contain information to persuade you buying this product,but it is up to you to buy it or not,it’s your choice.They can’t interfere with it.This,reminds me of people too.You can give them information about yourself,but it is up to them whether they want to be your friend or not,whether they want to date you or just playing with your feelings,it is up to them.It is also up to you whether you want to be played or not,to be kind or not to them.Human beings have that freedom to choose how they will react,how they will live their life.It is society demands and labels that make all of this complicated.Last night in that chat I have mentioned before we discussed about labels in our society,about the role of women and men that somehow feels unfair for both sides.Now,even writing this makes me confused,I refused to be confused again so bye!Perhaps I will continue on the other post.Hey,I didn’t promise,I said perhaps.Haha.See you peeps!

Meh

Kill me now!It’s all over.I finished exams last Thursday and for these past 3 days,what have I done?Absolutely Nothing,Yay!I’m tired and empty,I’m a disorganize person you all know that.I actually want to start sorting my life and clean my room,start a healthier habit,etc but I found myself so tired I feel like my body is breaking apart so does my soul.I had an online personality quiz a few days ago and I was quite satisfied with the result because it suits me so well.I will give you the detailed information next time because now I’m just not in the mood of doing anything productive.I will go back to sleep as soon as I finished this article Oh please this is not even a paragraph!Bye!!

PS:reading my personality test results give me a relief,it feels like somebody out there finally gets how it feels,somebody out there understands me,and knowing that you are ‘normal’ for doing all the weird things you usually do because that’s people with that kind of personality usually do.

Decisions

What I learnt this week:
1)It is actually not hard for me to make the decision itself,what is hard is to keep it going without being influenced by others’ judgments,society judge and people will never stop judging you know.
2)I know what I want,deep in my heart,what is hard is to believe that I can achieve what I want
3)When things are all so hectic,you hardly feel exhausted,but when everything is finally cooling down,you just realized how tired you actually are.

I’m mentally tired and I can’t believe I have to face another weeks of exams.Sometimes,you know,certain days in your life can be ridiculously awful.Everything is simply not in the right order.Everything feels wrong.My moodswing these days is being a bipolar pendulum and I am freaking tired of it.I’m breaking apart,I don’t know what to say anymore.I’m just somehow so terrified that everything is going to end soon and I don’t know what to do with my life.I’m pretty sure about what I’d love to do or what I want to do in my life but I don’t know how to achieve it and I’m not even trying to think about it now because from my experience I know that we can map out our plans and life into its details but none of it will actually go as expected.Overthinking is killing me now but for your information,it is also so HARD for me to just go with the flow,to just let it be.Help.

this is my last attempts to feel better about my life:
1)Finally you don’t have to do chem and phys anymore,only bio left
2)At least you can full fill your new year resolution to gracefully make your own decision,be your own kind of successful without worrying people judgments *ugh yes I survived although it is not easy at all*This is your life,do what you want to do,they will always judge you no matter what you do,I have learnt my lesson.

Want to know what?My instagram save is currently full of my want to read books and pictures I want to draw but never did because of too little time,oh and make ups products to order online as soon as possible (I’m not broke but I hate spontaneous spends okay)Oh and pretty little liars end game is finally out but still I dont have time to catch up Im still in season2.

Logan

Hey,these two torturing weeks of exams finally ended today.We got physics this afternoon and then we went for a movie ,yes it was Logan.The plot itself is freaking good I’m satisfied.Most of my friends dont really like the ending because it was somehow suspended.One also said that there is too much violence in this movie but I think it’s still okay.Plus Hugh Jackman is awfully handsome.

It was too late already when the movie finished that’s why I’m staying at Maggies’s and blogging right away from her computer while she is still in the shower.

Oh I had Con Porto Risotto for super from the spaghetti,and I decided that I still love Fettucine or spaghetti.

Aha,I think I should go now.Going to watch some more movies tonight although we still have to do badminton tomorrow morning.Doing more exercises is one of my new year resolution remember,but I just started thinking that maybe Im just not into sport.*ARGGH*.Will coming back with more photos.

Were We Born Liars?

Yes that is a rethorical question.Im blogging right from my phone again,exam will start at 1 PM so I can be here now,ready to ramble again.

I wonder what my first lie was and when did it happen.Was I still 6?Or 4?How can we start telling lies?Nobody ever taught us how to lie.Parents and priests kept on telling us not to lie because it is wrong and Im pretty sure that during my long period of education (until today) there is no such chapter entitled”How To Cover Your Lie” or “How To Be A Clever Liar”or maybe even “How To Manipulate Truth”.​But we all tell lies.We all do.

I wonder if I can try to live without telling lies again like before (by this I mean my very first years of life).Here,I want to admit that telling lies is like a drug,once you got in you cant stop doing.I cant stop thinking about this since yesterday,after I lied to a friend who turned out to be so innocent I feel bad for him/her (cant tell sorry).I then started thinking over this question “Why do we lie?”My best answer is that at first we lie when the condition makes us to.We lie to save ourselves from problems,from difficulties.If we dont face that hard situation we wont lie.For example your mum got angry because her vase is broken,you were scared to be grounded thats why you lied and told her it was her dog broke her vase.At the next level,we tell lies not because of urgency or to save ourselves from problems but to gain benefits from others.I think this is actually a basic principal in business.We lie to have profits not because we have to.If we dont lie actually its okay for us ,it wont give you problems but if we lie we can get something we cant when we dont.The last stage of this is we tell lies for no reasons,we just lie because we always lie that’s it.

I ever read a journal about the genes for lying.There is a study about humans brain and it said that there is this region in our cerebrum that is active whenever we lie.And this region is inherited from billion years ago which means that this character is evolutionary beneficial.Whoah.So I started thinking that maybe yes,lying is beneficial for human beings’survival,especialy in this modern era but still we know telling lies is wrong.Covering the truth is not what we naturally suppose to do,we have to search truth not covering it I dont know what is the conclusion of this post.What i want to say is if we all were born with that region in our cerebrum which enable us to lie,werent we all born as liars???

​

This is lol 

Something We Don’t Know

Just found my old year book and diary.I cringed a lot while reading it,thinking how I could even had the nerve to write something so cheesy like that lol.Year book is so funny I can read my elementary’s friends handwriting and laughing over their cheesy and poetic quotes haha.Then I wonder if one day I will scroll through my phone screen and cringe too while reading this post.This idea to put my diary online feels like a good idea at this moment but 20 years later?I don’t know.Maybe I will even regret this post,or maybe I will feel grateful I wrote this today so that I can have something to feel nostalgic to.Yes,I’m that sentimental.

Answering your questions about where I have been this long without any activities in wordpress,I have been in school most of the day and when I’m not in school I’m working on school workload yay.Senior year can be tricky.It can be your best year because it is your last but also your worst because of its super hectic aka depressing schedule ha.For me myself,I finally can get into here because finally we can have 2 days break before exams start again next week *say yay to my life*.I don’t know about my life but at least I finally can decided to take literature as my major instead of medicine in the university.I’m tired but not lifeless.I’m already reaching that point in life where I realized stressing over and worrying about my future won’t change anything.All I can do is just doing my best today.Like I have said before I just found my old diary and I cringed a lot.I wrote it when I was 8 and at that time the entries didn’t feel funny or cheesy to me ,it was seriously,carefully written (with the glittery pen and stickers and all).I didn’t know that one day I will laugh over it or even worst-cringed while reading it.This,reminds me that there are certain things in our life that we don’t know and will never know until the time comes.This is the mystery of life and what beautiful is hopes can occur because of this.If we already know everything that will happen in our future life,obviously,there is no such thing as hopes and possibilities.The infinite future makes everything is possible and realizing this is really a relieving feeling.No one can escapae oblivion and now I can deal with it,no more worries,no more over thinking I have tried my best.

Looking forward for the Bali Trip at the end of the semester.I can’t help but feeling exited because everybody do so.

I want to sleep in peace now!Good night!

I want to sleep in peace now!Good night!

Bye!