It hurts like heck I swear.
I have never imagined it to feel this bad.To feel this hurt.I’ve been off out of here for days and I’m sorry.Life is simply getting harder and harder.There are things that I can’t write publicly here but still I have got to tell you that life isn’t getting easier for me.Christmas is near already but there isn’t any Christmas vibes here.Just for your information,I live in a city lacking of Christmas atmosphere my whole life and worse than that-I live in a house without a Christmas tree.Mum usually still put up some Christmas decorations and mistletoe on our front doors
but I don’t even know why this tradition faded out and this year there isn’t any single Christmas mistletoe in our house.But obviously it’s not what makes me feel like a total loser today.
I was born 100% melancholic so my daily mood is basically mellow but today it has gotten even worst.Last night I cried myself to sleep.And this morning I woke up really early and decided not to come out from the room immediately.I rolled over on my bed,covering myself with my thick duvet,and sinking into my pillow with the hope that maybe drowsiness will drive me right into unconsciousness again,but did that actually happen to me?Haha No.
I never really have problem with insomnia but last night I couldn’t fell into one of those nonsense dreams.And I do have vivid dreams these days tho.They are all horrible and made me have to gasp for air and catch my breath after woke up unintentionally in the middle of the night with my pjs sticking on my sweating body.I’m tired of nightmares but then isn’t it even worse when you finally wake up and find yourself already inside something scarier than that?I call it reality.
I love The Smith’s song Asleep as soon as I listened more carefully to it and pay attention to the lyrics.There is a phrase that goes like this
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
Cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I feel so glad to go…
It just feels so relatable.God knows how I always secretly hope before I go to bed every night that once when I got up I wasn’t in this chaotic world anymore.I hope that one day I will get up and just find myself being in a marooned island with beautiful lilac sky and yeah a paradise to live in.Or maybe you know,if only I could set back the time,turning back into emptiness.I just,I don’t know what I really what.everything here terrifies me.I’m scared of my future,I secretly still keep that hope to get a scholarship for college,I manage to escape as soon as I finished school to volunteer in God knows where ( I can’t tell you here in case somebody who knows me in real life read this),I’m scared of the next semester,I’m terrified of losing someone I really love once more,trust me ,I have told you above,IT HURTS LIKE HECK.In short,I feel INSECURE.
I make homemade buttered popcorn and hot chocolate and having movies marathons yesterday evening.And even that cosy thing doesn’t help me a lot right now.Maybe I should like really get my brain something complicated to think on,a copy of Agatha Christie or Murakami will be good tbh but the problem is I still cant get off my butt to the nearest bookshop available.
Here is a video I have wanted to post for I don’t know how long *too much procrastination you know why
This video is so true.After watching this I’m sure that Katina is a total sentimental and genius videographer of this era.
PS: I also tried to learn Baduk this afternoon.It’s a chess-like game,originated from Korea.
PPS: This should have been written in my private mail box addressed to myself I don’t even know how I can get here