Elusive

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Here it comes again.It’s that time of the year again when the sun finally decided to show its face and I am stuck inside revising for exams.I’m getting kind of despondent about the whole ‘exams,home works,and tasks’thing.I admit that partly this was actually my fault.Too much procrastination,too much ‘no way it’s all good’ because it helps me to keep a safe distance from all that stressful stuff.And as a repercussion of that the works piled up on last minutes and then the stress will get real.
Tomorrow I should prepare for my HSK and revising bio and math and everything and I don’t even know what to say.I feel like I want to break free.I want to explode and scream loudly,jumping and crying and laughing at the same time.I’m terrified of not being successful.What matters a lot for me is that I want to do volunteer work,live my life to the fullest,and being happy but in the same time I also want to gain great financial income and experience luxury life.I don’t know what I really want.I want to live by the sea but also in the deep woods,also in a big city but also in the countryside,you feel me.

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That is a quote by my favorite philosopher,Sylvia Plath.And that is certainly what haunts me all day all night 24/7.I’m afraid that I will be a well educated,bright,and promising bachelor with good grades but then being nothing but a middle aged woman with ordinary habits,reputation,being useless and the faded,forgotten by the world.I want to be that girl who change the world.Experience taught me not to expect too high but then I live in dreams,I believe in them,and I just want to make them happen.That’s all.I don’t want to be an ordinary girl.Even since I was very little I have always want to be an ‘extraordinary’.I dare to be different and I’m proud to be different.I’m proud with my peculiar habits,I’m proud being that Sunday Afternoon girl instead of one of those Saturday Night sparkly women.Shortly I just want to be elusive.

Talk about things I currently desperately want to do,I had just making a list for that and it is getting longer and even more longer when I think about it
1.Reading The Silkworm
2.Reading Cinder (I just knew that it is a sci-fi)
3.Watching Miracle in Cell Number 7,The Longest Ride,and TV shows esp Doctor Who and The Big bang Theory and Gossip Girls
4.Eating chocolate bars with candy bits
5.writing stories again(I have been hiatus from my writing life for a really long time I don’t even believe it)
6.Reading Sing You Home
7.Having an ability to love without being loved
But success will become even more elusive for me if I try to be elusive so maybe I should accept the reality and walk straight with faith toward every binding roads?Maybe I should try.Not try to change myself.But try to be more simple.To be more thankful.To prefer rustic homey-ed than sophisticated,to appreciate light chatters just as I appreciate deep conversations.To be more blissful.To be more alive.And this is why I’m elusive.

PS: I noticed this blog traffic is getting heavier and I am surprised.I don’t know if people enjoy my writings or not because I basically just write whatever I want to write without consideration ,I know I sounded really demented and queer here but please I hope you understand.Your sincere geeky girl still love the same.<3

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